Thursday, December 29, 2011

I remembered.

I promised pictures, I promised return.
I promised I'd come back after concern,
but I still have lessons to learn.


He couldn't have came. We knew after all
that tears were solid once sliding down
a waterfall. And I recall
several spreading like lakes that day.
I can't get away from that day.
I'd like to get away from that day.
I more so wish that you would have stayed.
They say one stays with memory
but every one seems such treachery
and we don't even speak of it.


It hurts, you know. I don't know
if you knew it would be that way
or if you knew anything about that day
but it hurts us that are stuck living
as if we were all still fully alive.
And I know I have absolutely
no right to tell you otherwise.
To say you were wrong
or to judge. Or condemn. Or even speak.
I barely knew you. I think that's it.
That's why it gets to me,
because I should have. Known, I mean.
Everyone else I know, knew.
Everyone else had seen you,
but you remained, and always shall,
be only the boy marching ahead,
on the trumpet, at the table,
or drawing clocks in Algebra class.
That's all. No rhymes. No fancy farewells.
No memoirs or sonnets or fond memories,
because I never give anyone
a chance.

I just wanted to say Happy Birthday.
I remembered.


You would have been nineteen.
And this doesn't seem fair.


Tuesday, December 27, 2011

a bunch of random pictures and stuff.

Great title, right? Right.

I had fun on Christmas Eve, in my new pajamas (tradition that my Mum insists on), jacket, and TOMS (both from my lovely boyfriend).


I'm cute, I know.
Those pajama pants have the Grinch on them, by the way.'s a closeup of my shoes:


Oh, I might as well do a great big photo dump, while I'm at it.


I was in a Snow Patrol mood.
Tonight I'm in an Owl City mood.

This is a picture of Venus, our dog that died a few years ago.
I miss her a lot. I keep her photo on my desk.

By the way, I just finished Tuesdays With Morrie. It was alright. Next stop, finishing my book of Emily Dickinson's poetry, possibly Fahrenheit 451, and then Little Women

Also, we got our family photo done. Well, I set up my tripod in my living room and had Deacon push the button. Eh. It's not as good as a professional picture, but it's quick, simple, and cheap.

Left to Right: Karlee, Dad, Mum, Romeo, me

And well, just because I'm silly:


Italy pictures are on their way!

I hope everyone enjoyed their Christmas.


Friday, December 23, 2011

Ten Words

For my anniversary
on To Be Real,
I give poems.


There is ground
and a sky. Why
must I choose?


I don't know
your name or gender,
but I judge.


I was thinking about
how well you know
my name.


Blow out those candles good,
she said.
I don't understand.


And I
sit here
in awe
of the day.


Complaining; Conflicted;
words I use too often.


It's okay
if you stay
the way
you've always been.


I do not expect
anything else
or less
from you.


Ten poems of ten words
to celebrate 200
blog posts.


--[My name is Emily
and I suffer from severe

It is that time.

We finally got all the Christmas lights up.

And I thought I'd try some bokeh, since it's all the rage this time of year.

But tonight
I roll about, I snuggle in
the sensation of


Thursday, December 22, 2011

I Don't Speak French.

I should caution you that there is a statue of the Venus de Milo in this post, to anyone who might be offended of seeing a topless statue.

Other than that, enjoy!
Day one in Paris. We took a little cruise on the river.
The Eiffel Tower, while we were still on the boat. Did you know that it sparkles every hour?
Then we climbed the Eiffel Tower.
Oh, Paris <3
Looking up from underneath.
I love this picture.
I was really, really excited to see Notre Dame. Look how tiny the people are near the top!
Just down from Notre Dame. I really liked this road.
Winged Victory at the Louvre.
Venus de Milo at the Louvre.
Jenna at the Louvre.
She was being stubborn, but I liked the lighting.
Statue outside of the Opera House.
We didn't get to go inside.
And it was raining. Eh.
I hope that everyone is enjoying their Christmas break. =)
I sure am, though I haven't found much time to read the past few days.
BUT! I am officially done Christmas shopping and gift wrapping. So, that's good.
I have to work the next three days, though. Eh.

Hope you enjoyed Paris. Next stop: Italy!


Monday, December 19, 2011


Nothing may compare to
the agony, the emptiness,
the superior feeling of wrong
that I feel when we
both say "goodnight."

It is not good; it is not right.
It is a placeholder
of mannerisms. For appearance sake.
It certainly, certainly
does not mark a well-received departure.

Friday, December 16, 2011

More of London

Well, I finished Flowers in the Attic. It was ... eh. I'm glad it's behind me. I think I've decided to read Tuesdays with Morrie next. Mitch Albom is one of my favorite authors, and his books are particularly powerful, but also easy to get through.

I figured I should post the rest of the pictures from London. Most of them are of me with some kind of reflective ball that was on the side walk while we were waiting for the rest of the group to meet us for lunch.







Time to go to Deacon's choir concert, which I'm hoping to have pictures of later!

Merry (nearly!) Christmas. 



My fingers tremble.
I do not know
what's been done. Or anything.
I do not know his name. His face.
I do not know his rightful place.
I can't decipher the temperature
of this room. It's hot, but I--
I shiver with numbness all about.
My throat is caught. 
And tell me why
should one not have a right to say
that they are still so miserable?
I find words are fought with knives
and feelings feared by passersby.

I do not do. It will not do.
Bored, bored, bored.


They've made a statue. Hallowed ground.
With eyes that burn and prowl and sound
all at once, infinitely.
But dear, I cannot go separately.
I whine; they beg; and so we stand
on feet frozen to summer land
and offer sacrifices of colored air
with tails and trails of parties, fairs,
because that's all that we can bear.
The year rolls 'round once again
and all will say that it has been
good and fast. They're ready for
a fresh start. Sure, a little more
sun and shine and  feeling back
where numbness has been on attack.

I'll tell you something, since you are
determined to make it at least this far.
It will not stay. The new year comes
and goes, like people, with quiet drums.

I heard a whimper. I'm sorry that
innocence has a way of
not coming back.

Wednesday, December 14, 2011

I go back to London all the time...


Well, I'm done re-editing the few pictures from London that I felt needed a little attention. There are quite a few, so I'll just post some of them now and the rest later. I'm now on the pictures from Paris, and then on to Italy! It's a great way to spend my (almost) Christmas break.

Speaking of Christmas break, I need to formulate a list of things I want to read. Right now my goal is to finish Flowers in the Attic by the end of the week, which should be alright because right now I'm 80% done with it, and yesterday morning I was only 63%. Yeah!

[[I would just like to point out that I'm eating a very, very good orange at the moment.]]

Anyway, here are some pictures of London. I wish I could go back there. It was so great.







Also, for some reason I have this song stuck in my head. I guess it's because it's December.
I'm not usually a big Taylor Swift advocate, and I remember listening to this song a few months ago and not liking it, but I heard it last night at work and something just stuck.

Merry (nearly) Christmas!


The Agonies of Death and Bathrooms

The water drips constantly
from the faucet, awfully.
Appliances remain pouring heat
that stifles my pores in utter defeat.
A hairbrush rests near the sink
with hair, like snakes, in a link
that is fresh from when I used it last.
That morning seems far in the past,
but there it rests. My DNA--
perpetual, despite my passing day.
And here I am, still confined
by walls and windows so designed
to keep things out and lock us in
even without my wilted skin.
I am so stifled by heat and rooms
too small for lives and living tombs.

I need an air vent in here--quick!
Maybe it can suck out my soul.

Monday, December 12, 2011

Oh no!!

I completely missed my 1 year anniversary on To Be Real! It was on December 7th.

And I don't have any particular way to celebrate this magnificence, either. Hmph!
Well, I guess I'll just say, I'm glad I made the choice to start this blog. It has been nothing but therapeutic and has helped in improving my photography and poetry both. =)

I'm looking forward to many, many more years.


Exams and Planes

It's Finals Week! Two down, two to go. 

One is just a PowerPoint, so really just one to go.

However, the one today was awful. Our teacher, whom I have loved up until the point, reviewed the exam with us on Wednesday. It was supposed to be 25 questions, 50 points total, all multiple choice. Only over two things we have studied this year: The Glass Menagerie by Tennessee Williams and the movie The Heiress, based on the novel Washington  Square by Henry James.

Well, apparently our teacher was contemplating the test last night and decided that it was "too easy." So instead of the first 15 questions being multiple choice, she changed it to fill in the blank/short answer. She emailed the class this morning, however the final was at 10 AM and many of the students said that they checked their emails that morning and had not received anything. 

Ugh! I had a 94% in that class, and I know I got some answers wrong on that test. I mean, I don't remember the name of the dance hall across the street from their apartment in The Glass Menagerie! Seriously, my final grade in the class depends on that

On a lighter note, I have begun re-editing some of my Europe pictures. I've been wanting to do this for some time now. I've only posted a few from Paris so far, but I visited other places, too. =)

Here's a shot from the plan ride over, at sunset:

It was one of the most beautiful sights I've ever witnessed.

Merry (almost) Christmas, everyone.


Sunday, December 11, 2011

a slight discovery.

What I like best, or at least quite a bit, is going back through my posts and reading something that I really like, especially when I don't remember writing it. It's like flipping through a poetry book and being struck by something unexpected. I wrote this on July 4th, 2011, in a post celebrating my 100th blog post on To Be Real, as well as celebrating my 5th year of blogging altogether. It was also titled Apologies, and had just a lot of good stuff packed into it.

I wish I could dish out good writing like this on the spot these days. I hate how it goes it waves.
Anyway, in case you missed this, like I seemed to, I'm putting it down again.


I keep seeing ideas--thoughts materialize--
and certain substances that tear through reality
and scream through the night. 
Is this how chaos feels? Instability?
Insecurity--my one downfall, always.
But I might make promises within my youth,
and be blessed from there on until
I realize the margins of such a gift, and requirements,
and the laws of physics start to adjust accordingly.
But otherwise, before I had known, my mind
would have been able to take to the stars
and touch the mist; the clouds; the air.
I stood in awe of lightning tonight,
and decided that God is real. He's real.
He's real. He's real. And such assurance
is enough to capture me completely--
it's enough for me to put my faith first
and pray to God, Please hold my hand!
There we'll stand--hand in hand--
safer than home and words and rain.
Safer than I had ever known before.


Also, I'm in a Christmas drama tomorrow and I'm starting to get a bit nervous about it, so just pray that all goes well. Lovies.


Saturday, December 10, 2011

How I Measure Time

My life has a way of measuring
itself through experiences.
Seconds and minutes--what of those?
Too constructed; too formal;
too impersonal.

I measure the minutes by the length of a laugh;
the year by what grade I was in.
Seconds by thoughts and soft footsteps;
and the hour by everything else.

So when I realized today that it had been
a year and three months since your departure,
my soul dropped cold. I know that time
well. I'm the master of that particular one.
For both of my relationships have fallen
short of reaching that destination.
Still, that time marks quite a span
for me. And I can't imagine
that it has been so long.

I had almost gotten over it throughout the day,
but as I was driving home at night,
it struck me. The difference. The horrid truth:
that my failed relationships had a set time span
but that you--yours will never end.
It will always be, "This is how long
that he has been gone." You will not return.
I'll never be able to measure something
by the length of time that you were gone.

Thursday, December 8, 2011

Some Christmas Cheer

My new laptop is here, up, and running smoothly. =)
And I really like Straight No Chaser, particularly their version of "The 12 Days of Christmas" and "Carol of the Bells."

Ah yes, I always forget how much I love this time of year.

Monday, December 5, 2011

What I really shouldn't have to say.

I tend to go too far.
And I'm looking for...I'm looking for...
a reason to give myself credit

noun. not decisive or conclusive.]

I will not. I will not.
I will not let you in.
I will not tell myself
that you win. You win.


Listen, I remember you
when we first met. I was jealous.
You had no power;
you had life. You had love.
But not mine.

I would make sure of that.

But it happened, of course.
Slowly. But it did.
Inevitably. Reluctantly.
He was always yours,
of course.
He never belonged to me.

And I was jealous.

And over the years, I've determined
that I got the better end of the deal.
I hope that's okay.

I still look up to you.
To all you do.
And I know I go too far,
and I know that I shouldn't be

But I am.



Sunday, December 4, 2011

An average day at home.

Life and times of my humble abode...

Featuring Deacon:
Isn't he handsome? =)




The cutest baby you've ever seen:





and myself, with my new hair color:


Some of these are pretty old and have been sitting on my camera forever. I had some extra time on my hands tonight so I figured I'd play around a little.


Saturday, December 3, 2011

Coming Back

I cannot determine the distinct day
that she grew, but somehow
it wedged itself in.
I remember us, hand in hand,
and we considered ourselves
mature. Adults. Already there.
We weren't, of course. We were
far off from the destination point.
But now, I see she's certainly
changed the way she acts and thinks.
And my, it does fit her well.

Thursday, December 1, 2011

My Carpet, My Witness

I've seen this carpet new and worn.
I've lived through its existence.
And it's seen me--it knows my feet
as well as anyone else.

We have an agreement on bare feet.
It's gentle on us both.
I work a lot, so does he,
so we value this companionship.

We first met when my husband and I
were newlyweds. I swear,
the carpet knew us well.

Then our child. Timothy.
And all of his crawls and cars.
Sticky hands. Outstretched arms.
Muddy shoes and bottles.

He grew. I grew. My husband, too.
Became closer to the door
and me to the vacuum cleaner.

And upon his return,
I was closer to the floor.

Stains of red. Washed away.
My carpet never complained.
I liked it better than the wall
which insisted on leaving marks.

I'm sorry my skin is not the same.
I'm sorry my skin owns these flaws.
I'm sorry I could not dodge the walls.
I'm sorry that these bruises came.

Years and tears have passed away
and late into the night
sometimes I come crawl onto the floor
and cling with my fragile clutch.

I want to stay curled up here,
because God, I can't stand the world.

Monday, November 28, 2011


I have just purchased for myself a new HP laptop online.
It's one of those at last moments.

Next stop, I'm looking into buying Photoshop.
I've recently learned that I can get it for a heck of a lot cheaper since I'm a college student, I just have to send in a little information.


Just thought y'all should know, I'm moving up in the world.


Side by Side

I have failed.

And I have loved.

And I have sat, I've stood, I've seen
everything in shapes and sizes be
too much. Too little. Just right? Maybe.
But more so inadequacies.

Did I love? Did you? No.
Of course, I know. Of course. I know.

But haven't you ever wondered
if you made the wrong choice?
I guess, it's useless. I guess once
the words have left
and the sand has settled

and you start walking one way
and you untie all knots of promises
and you decide to end a friendship
and you decide you're better off

and I write my soul in ink
and I fight off nightmares of replacement
and I try living as though I could
and I try loving as though I could

then it's better to not retrace your steps.
It's better to run with whatever you choose.
It's better for me to learn to recover.
It's better for me to stand firm.

And no, nothing about this has changed.
I was just clarifying.


Thursday, November 24, 2011

Death's Dreaded Room--and Thanksgiving

Happy Thanksgiving!

(My mom is on the phone with my aunt right now, talking about my Christmas present. I don't think she knows I can hear her.)

We've had some recent tragedies recently, and I know Thanksgiving can be a hard time for everyone, so I hope everything is okay today and that everyone is able to stuff themselves with some turkey! Or, what I'm mainly interested in, mashed potatoes. Yum.

It should be a pretty fantastic day, I hope. 

My main concern is that it's kind of tradition for me to spend Thanksgiving afternoon/night reading and finishing a really good book, but I finished reading Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban last night, and I'm not planning on reading the fourth one yet, so I'll have to break my tradition. There will be reading, of course, I'll just have to start a book instead of end one, and I'll have to choose wisely.

I started writing this poem while in the bathtub the night before last. I haven't been writing a whole lot of poetry lately, but it's funny whenever a rhyme hits you.

I took the test; I didn't pass.
I did not even have to ask.
But after waiting, with a blast,
I sped towards heaven long at last.
(I'm just kidding--we flew on passed.)

Heaven turned out a waiting room
where forms are filled and boredom blooms
before ushered to your destined doom.
You'd think they'd grow flowers in this gloom;
instead I dwell in death's dreaded room.

I thought of life--the one I had.
I wonder the day that I went bad.
I must have disgraced my mom and dad
for being sentenced to this mournful, sad
ending of life that I never had.

The test was long. I didn't know
that different grasses in Missouri grow
or that these things mattered, though
the clerk assured me with a glow
that to get in heaven, I must know.

"No!" I said. "It's if I believe!"
I knew that I had to receive
my Savior and that he would retrieve
my soul from here. He would relieve
me from this room if I only believed.



Thursday, November 17, 2011

Blue or Green?

I had a really weird and slightly freaky dream this morning.

It started with me having to clean playground equipment as some kind of punishment. No big deal.

Then suddenly, me and everyone I knew were in this unknown place. It kind of looked like an open field or parking lot. And something was holding us completely still. We weren't able to move at all until someone came to you and have you sign your name on a list.

Afterwards, they told you to go a certain direction.
There, you had to take a test. This would determine whether or not you got into heaven.

Before that, you had to fill out all of these information forms. Those took me awhile because I had forgotten a lot of my personal information, like my social security card, and I wasn't prepared and didn't have the right paperwork with me.

And so, I finally got to the part of taking the test and pretty much everyone else had already gone their separate ways.

I glanced through the papers that determined their destinations. Blue meant heaven. Green meant not.
Some of my closest friends, friends I would thought would have made it, had green.

The guy behind the counter finally found the test I was to take.
 He was pretty nice. Young. He told me he died in 1971.

I started the test. The first 39 questions were multiple choice. Question 40 was an essay question about the type of grass in Missouri. It included an example of an essay in it, written by my friend Jenna. I started freaking out because I didn't know there were different types of grass. I had no idea what any of it meant.

The nice guy behind the counter made a comment about having to know this to get into heaven.
I just remember saying, "You're wrong. It's by faith."

I don't know what happened after that.

My class is starting, gotta go.


Monday, November 14, 2011


Jon Schneck, my favorite (for lack of better term) member of my favorite band Relient K, just retweeted one of my tweets about him.

Today has been such an extraordinary day.
Thank you, Jesus.

Also, just this morning I was thinking about putting "be retweeted by Jon Schneck" on my bucket list, but decided not to because I thought it would be too far-fetched. So now, I'm definitely adding it and crossing it out. Haha! =)


Oh! Plus, I saw the official trailer for The Hunger Games today! Are you a fan? Have you seen the trailer yet?

Major Excitement!

I just got the call saying I was accepted to Hannibal-LaGrange University! Woohoo!

Actually, it was funny, because I was reading Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban, then I fell asleep for an hour. Deacon and I were supposed to hang out this afternoon so upon my waking I searched for my phone, which decided to be mysteriously missing.

I went out to my car (which is up and running now, thanks to Dad) and found it, then saw I had a voicemail from HLGU saying to call them back. I called back and talked to the nice man who works for their Admission Office...I forget his name, but he's a really nice guy...and he told me I was accepted!

Right there, sleepy-eyed in my pajamas, in my car with wind and darkness surrounding me.
It was so incredible.

Also, as you might have noticed, I finished The Bell Jar last night. Overall, it was alright. I'd probably give it three stars out of five. For the past couple of weeks I've been debating on what to read afterwards, and for some reason the third Harry Potter book kept sticking out. I meant to re-read the entire series two summers ago, but only got through the second before school started back up.

And so, I'm going to slowly integrate them within my reading schedule. I just started last night and I'm already on Chapter Four, page 56.
Which is really good. For me. I'm a terribly slow reader.

Have a great week!


Sunday, November 13, 2011

Late Night Mini-Rant

I hate reading about the lives of other people, because it makes me feel like I'm not doing enough with my own.
*shouts in frustration*

Also, it's not even 1:00 AM yet and I'm sleepy, which is lame because I was looking forward to writing something, anything, rather good tonight.

But, my body says it's bedtime and my inspiration is shot.

I just had chicken wings and Taco Bell.
My Mountain Dew isn't doing the trick, surprisingly.

And I'm just plain tired.

Until we meet again.



Saturday, November 12, 2011

Sounds and Swears

Souls are known to dictate their share:
the saints; their sovereignty.
I say only a simple swear:
I love you solemnly.

I listen to that sound aware,
waiting for you or me
to be filled with inspiration's air
and breathe out the right key

that hits the chords and veins of the
organ that takes great care
to beat along triumphantly
with love too much to bear.

Thursday, November 10, 2011

Car Trouble

I have an 8:00 class on Tuesdays and Thursdays.
I try to leave my house somewhere between 7:30-7:40, just because I like to be early.

Today, my car would not start.
Just my luck.

This, of course, could not happen yesterday, when I did not have any classes.

Luckily, Deacon had his father give me a ride and I was only about ten minutes late.

Still though, Haven and I are not on speaking terms.
That is all.


Wednesday, November 9, 2011

a letter to the boy down the street.



I have come the the conclusion that I spend every second with you that I can, and it is never enough. There's never been anyone else in my life that has the ability to take my day and flip it around in an instant. I am physically incapable of being upset when I am around you. It's kind of awesome.

Somehow, you understand me.
I'm not sure how. I'm pretty strange.
But you do. You get me.
And when you don't, you're patient.
You listen.
I never realized before that I just needed someone to listen.

You listen like it matters.
I guess to you, it does.

We've lived on the same street for over ten years. How in the world did we not realize this sooner? We spent so long in trial and error, searching for other people who insisted on running away. Claiming love with people that were obviously meant for someone else. We learned, I guess. We lived. We loved. We learned.

God has a plan. He always has.
I'm glad it's finally come full circle.
I'm glad that I've got you.

The girl up the street,


P.S. 98% of the sappy over-dramatic posts I've written within the past year have been about you. 
As if you didn't already know.

Also, I hate No Shave November. =)