Sunday, February 27, 2011

Insecurities

I've built up boundaries for myself, because I'm terrified of what could happen if I thought about all the things that creep up along side me throughout the day.

I've found myself strangely emotional the past few months, and I'm not sure how I feel about that. I think it's probably a good thing, because I've prayed time and time again to God that my  heart will break for what makes His heart break. It's a definite feeling of the Holy Spirit, and I love that. But it's also so exhausting, so terrifying. And beautiful.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

People make fun of me. All the time. And it's always been like this, and I know they do it because they know it gets to me, that I can't take a joke, that I can't tune them out or laugh it off or say something insulting back or be a good sport about it. But that's the thing. I never feel better than what they say about me. I'm so overwhelmingly insecure about everything about myself. I don't feel safe inside who I am, I don't feel like others accept me.

You know how I spend my day? Imagining myself dead.
I'm not being over dramatic here, I'm being honest. That's what consumes my thoughts every day. My death.

And during those times, I make up apologies and tears and words so that I can forgive them, so that I can tell myself that what they say now doesn't really mean what I tell myself it means. I put them in circumstances which demands their absolute honesty, and I make that honesty admirable. And I focus on that.

 But then there are times when I zone out, when foreign thoughts break in and slip words to me, whisper them. Things that inevitably tell me of my every flaw, how nobody looks for me in a crowd or wishes upon my arrival, how I try to avoid talking to her every day but you always come back to her because that's who you are and who she is and who I am and I am just the ears you seek, the "Mhms" and the "Yeahs" to keep your tales going so that you can express your heart's desire to someone, since you so long for something that is starting to feel more and more intangible. How my body is too awkward, my voice too timid, how I can say the same thing over and over in a small room but nobody listens because I am just Emily, just Emily, and I'll always be here, just Emily, just the best that any of you could do, just the ears that you seek late at night before you sleep. But if not, that's okay, because I hold no substantial value in the broader scheme of things. There's no hope in my coming or going, no longing, no peace when I arrive. Just Emily, just ears, but no voice.

  But when I'm dead, they cry. They love.
And that's what I focus on, and that can sustain the day.

Saturday, February 26, 2011

The Way We Live

Gracious timing there must be
until our trip into eternity.
When do we allow ourselves to fear?
How much longer will we be here?


We'll find the answers - find them, tell
and tremble under truth, as well.
A timid whisper will find us then
and set our clocks to the end.


If we are to exist before that day,
or perhaps encounter a minor delay,
The fear - we'll face, or suffer from.
And live. We live, and we become.


We stay awake, we take our time.
Calm, collected, last in line.
We think, we listen, and we know
we are no longer walking hollow.

Thursday, February 24, 2011

Behind the Blinds


People are dying, I close my blinds.
All that I know is I'm breathing.
- Keep Breathing by Ingrid Michaelson

Monday, February 21, 2011

Fresh Air



I love photography, as I've stated in the past. Yesterday, I actually got outside with my camera and just had a bit of fun. I have to write an English Comp II paper here...actually, it's 10:06 PM and I should already have it done, but before I go off and do that I thought I'd share a few of yesterday's pictures. I'm uploading them in poor quality to be quicker, but I hope you enjoy them anyway. =)

Sunday, February 20, 2011

A Second October

If God could keep you with me, I'd trade just about anything.

You don't get it. You don't understand. This isn't about me wanting space. This is about you and what you want. There has been two girls, let's call them One and Two. Two girls you've had feelings for.

One directly told me that she was rooting for us.
Two told me that you and I should be a couple.

But you don't want that. And fine, alright. But since you don't want that, then we can't be that. I have to stop thinking about you all the time, I have to stop letting my mind believe that we're headed somewhere. Because I'm not One or Two, I'm just Emily. That's not enough for you.

So don't treat me like I ripped away everything from you. Because that's what I'm doing to myself. You are the greatest person in my life. The most important. And me thinking about disconnecting myself from that? It's not easy. I loved where we were, who we were. I loved it. I was happy, and I felt like there was someone there I could go to.

But I can't have false hope again. I'm not allowing myself to do that. Not again.

You want to be just friends. So fine, that's what we'll be. Done.



My God, there's so many things on my shoulders right now. I'm caught, I'm beaten. I'm done.

And you? You'll go along with anything? Is it really that easy for you? To just say, "Well, alright then." No fight, no fuss, nothing. Wow.

And when you sit there beside me, it's like I can feel your discomfort. But me? The opposite. I guess that's the problem. That's why I have to distance myself. I'm becoming too attached. And why do that when I know how it'll end? It's October all over again. I'm not going to do it.

But it's easy for you, to say OK and go with it. You didn't even fight for me.

Saturday, February 19, 2011

Our Fake Whatever

Things just aren't lining up with me. It's always too much or not enough.

I'm caught in the middle of so many things. I don't want to be there. I don't want to be a fake whatever-we-are, and I don't want her to see us like something when you see her as something. I'm in the way, I'm being fooled, and it's too much. But in regards to what I want, it's never enough.

On that note, I never have any specific idea on what I want.

What I know is that I'm fine with being one or the other, but I'm not fine with being caught in the middle of the two.

And you can't expect me to have all the answers, to be able to tell you how to fix this problem. Because either way, I lose. Either way, I have to put myself aside and do what's best for you.
I don't know what to do about this.

No freaking idea.

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

My Golden Departure

I wrote this today, mostly during Cadet Teaching.


If I were to find
an abrupt end to my life,
It's been decided
This morning would suffice.

Now, where this began
runs secondhand.
But who am I
to understand?

There would be no point
of clarity.
No sense of accomplishment
in the midst of me.

Instead, a calm
to take in, then out.
And see the beautiful
skies all about.

Golden enveloped
through trees and air
So that leaving today
would seem unfair.

Indeed, it would
to Greatness here.
Those who feel
they've nothing to fear.

But I, still standing,
am already there.
I've tasted more death
than life could spare.
I cannot fathom
a moment more
knowing that He,
who knocks at the door,
is patiently waiting
to take my hand
and lead me from
this tainted land.
This land I so live
from hour to day
means little in light
of eternity.
And being that Love
knows me by name,
remaining here
would be a shame.

The rising sun
approaches still,
so I'll stand a moment
just until
He finds it fit
to steal me away
before this morning
becomes yesterday.

Because I am ready,
I'm anxious to go.
Though this decision
is beyond my control.
This morning is golden
all around
and my God knows
where to be found.
I seek His grace
in eternity
an I hope that today
He will rescue me.

Friday, February 11, 2011

The Ninth Light

There are eight lights around me
in three lines of three.
I am the ninth light,
the deformity.

My light has gone out,
and so I stay
sitting in darkness
day after day.

The others that sit
to my left and right
always outshine me,
and are proud of their light.

They get along without me,
and if I go,
I will not be missed,
for I refuse to glow.

For what good is a light
that cannot shine?
People don't seek
this darkness of mine.

Thursday, February 10, 2011

this means forever

She was hurt. Badly. But he loved her.
She was mocked. She was called a hypocrite. But he stood up for her, because he loved her.
She went through every day not knowing why. She hardly felt alive. But he lived for her.
She fell in love. With the wrong guy. She let him control her, pull her away. But he always remained.
She was broken. But he loved her.

He gave everything for her.
He did everything in his power to keep her alive.
To show her life.

She hurt him, she rejected him. But he loved her.
And when she called for him, he did not hold anything against her. He presented himself with open arms.

She fell for him. And even though she had been broken, he never left her side.
He held her hand every day.
And she loved him, too.


[Note: this is about Jesus, in case you didn't catch that.]

Wednesday, February 9, 2011

unspoken truths

I'm starting to believe that we are all just trying to get attention. When you hear that, you'll think it's bad, and perhaps you're right, but that's what we're all striving for.

Oh gosh, he's off again.

Stop being arrogant. You know we all want someone to care.
And you think others don't, but you're fooling yourself.

This is who we are compared to who we're meant to be.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

These things, I'll never say.

One:
I absolutely hate that you like her. It makes me angry. But, I'm putting that aside, because I just want so badly for you to be happy.

Two:
I'm trying to make it a point to keep a little distance, because I don't want to become too attached.

Three:
I have to constantly remind myself that you're not going through all of this just because you're trying to get attention.

Four:
I stick by your side each day so that you'll realize that you're worth my time. So that text today was a real slap in the face.

Five:
I hope you discover for yourself that there are guys out there worth being with, full of love for you.

Six:
You constantly remind me that what I do is never enough.

Seven:
I'm not her. I'm not either of them. I'm not comparable to them, I know that I can never be that important, I know that they are so much more than what I'm capable of. But I try to be the best I can, so don't compare me to them.

Eight:
You still have me.

Nine:
You put your hope in people, which is where you go wrong. You must put your hope in God.

Ten:
None of us will be here much longer. We'll go our separate ways, and then you'll forget about me completely. We only have a moment.

Waking Up

My uncle died in a motorcycle accident in August. His birthday is Saturday.
He was the uncle that made me feel loved the most. He'd always make me laugh, no matter what. Call me M&M. Sneak me candy when the younger kids weren't looking. When he died, I could not fathom it. I still can't. I didn't cry. I didn't say a word. I somehow found myself laying on a blanket in my backyard, staring up at the blue sky, and just laid there until I fell asleep. The rest of my family left to go to my aunt's house, but I just stayed there. Trying to take everything in, catastrophe in the middle of a gorgeous day. And why does God allow this to happen to me?
But you know, that was only the beginning.

Ever since then, I've been shaken awake by horror that I had never known.

And I think that's partly why I still can't grasp the fact that my uncle is dead. It's because that only a few weeks after that, it was Justin.

I hate the fact that one overshadowed the other. Maybe it's because I didn't want to admit either to myself, but it was harder to escape Justin. Because he's everywhere, even today.

Before this year, I never had anyone close to me die.
And this year has been too much to take in.
It's been too much for me.

I don't want to be anywhere near here.

Saturday, February 5, 2011

the system.

I'm never happier than the day
that they search and find,
and when they say,
"You're the one I have in mind.
And I'm looking forward to the day
that I can come and take you away,
and let the road ahead unwind."

Let the world think what it may.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Why do bad things always happen to me?
- Because you're doing the right things.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Beating against the rocks and hearts
is not where any of this should start.
It starts with a day and a life to live.
It starts with a willingness to forgive.
It starts with a way out, and resistance.
It starts with compassion from a distance.

And coexistence.

^ I wrote that last year. I know I post it a lot, but I think it applies. To a lot of things.

I know this post is random, and I really haven't said much of value. But that's okay.
You know, it's okay to be crazy. Someone told me that today.
Perhaps they're right.

It's been a rough day, to say the least.


PS: I never follow the rule of captializing special words in the title. That just seems like discrimination to me. Come on now, fight the system.

Friday, February 4, 2011

Forgettable

I'm going to try and be honest here. I'm not going to be mysterious, or make you guess what I'm trying to say, or say things just for the sake of posting something. There are certain things that I need to get down, things that relate to me, because I so often put that aside and focus only on other people on my mind. I don't allow myself to think certain things, or linger on a subject that makes me uncomfortable. So this is for me.

I am flawed. I know there's really nothing I can do about that. I know that, in the words of Little Women, "we are all hopelessly flawed." But I let it get in my way. Maybe all girls do that, but it doesn't seem like it.

I have really low self-esteem.
But I'm a 17 year old girl, that's normal, right?

But that's not my main problem. Here's what has beaten me up every day for the past three years:
I always feel like I'm second best.

I know that I am made in God's image, exactly how he wanted me to be. I know I'm privileged. I know I'm talented. But I always, always feel like no matter how hard I try at something, no matter how much effort I put in, I'm never first. Someone is always better than I am. And ultimately, I'm just a backup plan. I hold no real significance.

I want to inspire people, but on their level. I want to be great and be satisfied, and not feel like what I do is never enough. I don't want to feel like I'm always competing with everyone else.

I'm so sick of feeling like the one who could not be there and it make no difference at all. I'm sick of feeling like people are friends with me because it's convenient. Or afraid that if they got to know another friend more, I would be forgettable.

I step forth each day and I realize that whenever you put yourself out like that, you're bound to be disappointed. I don't mind that so much. It doesn't stop me, because I do things that I feel is right. I try to make others feel like they're important, or lovely, or that someone out there is thinking about them. When you're gone from school, someone missed you. When you're sick, someone wishes you well. When you're gone, someone relives the joy of your presence. And when you make that commitment, like I have been trying to, you can't expect anything back. And I guess my problem is that I expect something back.

Something.
But like I said, when you do that, you'll be disappointed every time.

I just want to feel like I'm doing something right. I want to feel like what I do is worth it. I want to feel like when people read these really long, wordy blog posts, they don't shrug it off.

I just want someone to care.

Thursday, February 3, 2011

Your presence still lingers here.

What do you see over there?

He's staring at me. And does he know that he doesn't exist anymore? But he's there, he's in my line of sight, and he's staring at me. Like he's real. Like nothing ever happened, or maybe it still did. Either way, he sees me.

[[This caused me to have a panic attack in my dream last night.]]

He's real. He's real.


And if you have to leave
I wish that you would just leave
Because your presence still lingers here
And it won't leave me alone
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Why do I feel like I'm the only one this happens to?