I'm going to try and be honest here. I'm not going to be mysterious, or make you guess what I'm trying to say, or say things just for the sake of posting something. There are certain things that I need to get down, things that relate to me, because I so often put that aside and focus only on other people on my mind. I don't allow myself to think certain things, or linger on a subject that makes me uncomfortable. So this is for me.
I am flawed. I know there's really nothing I can do about that. I know that, in the words of Little Women, "we are all hopelessly flawed." But I let it get in my way. Maybe all girls do that, but it doesn't seem like it.
I have really low self-esteem.
But I'm a 17 year old girl, that's normal, right?
But that's not my main problem. Here's what has beaten me up every day for the past three years:
I always feel like I'm second best.
I know that I am made in God's image, exactly how he wanted me to be. I know I'm privileged. I know I'm talented. But I always, always feel like no matter how hard I try at something, no matter how much effort I put in, I'm never first. Someone is always better than I am. And ultimately, I'm just a backup plan. I hold no real significance.
I want to inspire people, but on their level. I want to be great and be satisfied, and not feel like what I do is never enough. I don't want to feel like I'm always competing with everyone else.
I'm so sick of feeling like the one who could not be there and it make no difference at all. I'm sick of feeling like people are friends with me because it's convenient. Or afraid that if they got to know another friend more, I would be forgettable.
I step forth each day and I realize that whenever you put yourself out like that, you're bound to be disappointed. I don't mind that so much. It doesn't stop me, because I do things that I feel is right. I try to make others feel like they're important, or lovely, or that someone out there is thinking about them. When you're gone from school, someone missed you. When you're sick, someone wishes you well. When you're gone, someone relives the joy of your presence. And when you make that commitment, like I have been trying to, you can't expect anything back. And I guess my problem is that I expect something back.
But like I said, when you do that, you'll be disappointed every time.
I just want to feel like I'm doing something right. I want to feel like what I do is worth it. I want to feel like when people read these really long, wordy blog posts, they don't shrug it off.
I just want someone to care.