Sunday, February 20, 2011

A Second October

If God could keep you with me, I'd trade just about anything.

You don't get it. You don't understand. This isn't about me wanting space. This is about you and what you want. There has been two girls, let's call them One and Two. Two girls you've had feelings for.

One directly told me that she was rooting for us.
Two told me that you and I should be a couple.

But you don't want that. And fine, alright. But since you don't want that, then we can't be that. I have to stop thinking about you all the time, I have to stop letting my mind believe that we're headed somewhere. Because I'm not One or Two, I'm just Emily. That's not enough for you.

So don't treat me like I ripped away everything from you. Because that's what I'm doing to myself. You are the greatest person in my life. The most important. And me thinking about disconnecting myself from that? It's not easy. I loved where we were, who we were. I loved it. I was happy, and I felt like there was someone there I could go to.

But I can't have false hope again. I'm not allowing myself to do that. Not again.

You want to be just friends. So fine, that's what we'll be. Done.

My God, there's so many things on my shoulders right now. I'm caught, I'm beaten. I'm done.

And you? You'll go along with anything? Is it really that easy for you? To just say, "Well, alright then." No fight, no fuss, nothing. Wow.

And when you sit there beside me, it's like I can feel your discomfort. But me? The opposite. I guess that's the problem. That's why I have to distance myself. I'm becoming too attached. And why do that when I know how it'll end? It's October all over again. I'm not going to do it.

But it's easy for you, to say OK and go with it. You didn't even fight for me.