Sunday, April 10, 2011

My mind is a mess.

There was never a time when I would have traded you with anyone else. I feel blessed every day knowing that you are real, present in every corner of my life, helping me stay sane and live my life. And when you extend a hand to comfort me, because you know how much that means to me, I know I would never want to be anywhere else than you and I right here and now.

You're loved, you're needed. And by some grace of God you appeared in my life and I don't think I've come into contact with anything as good, not just because you are my best friend but because you're so much more, a magnificent human being that I get the pleasure to know, really know, and what more life do I have to experience now? How does anything get better than this?

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And I am fooled by your kindness because I'm so accustomed to it being a mask. I'm also skeptical about your openness, you're rash decisions to make contact with me after so long. It happens, I know, from time to time, and every time I end up confused.

Because you were all I had to live for, you were the one that I had found, and loved, an planned forever with. I was finished. And then somehow, all that ended, and I never grew up after that. I remained stuck in that state of mind, hoping for you to return, and then you stopped talking to me altogether. And maybe I was in over my head from the start, but you don't get that infatuated with someone and come up without struggle. The weight holds you under, until you either drown or wish you had.

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I'm sorry, I wish I felt the same way, because you're a really great person and there is nothing wrong and I don't know what my freaking problem is because I've tried and tried and I've went through my mind trying to sort everything out but there really isn't any explanation as to why I don't feel the same way except for the fact that I'm a loser and I am obviously programmed to not like someone who likes me until they decide they don't like me anymore. That's what history says, anyway. And I wish I did, believe me I do, because that would save me heart ache and loss and lies and pain and regret and jealousy and all those other things that I experience short-term and long-term based on my current situations and/or situations of past and/or to come.

With you, it would be easy. And I would love for that to be the case. But something is severely wrong with me and I just don't think of you that way.

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I appreciate everything you do for me, even though I make jokes and say stupid things behind your back and act like your compassion is the worst thing I could ever receive in the entire world. They call me a saint. A saint. And you want to know the truth? I'm a glorious sinner. And I say things about you, and everyone, and everything, that I shouldn't and that I regret or that I should regret and don't.

But you are, and remain, my friend. Though I don't seem to put as much effort into it as you do. Because you are always, always there for me no matter what time or place it is, and I really, honestly love you for that.

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Stop leading me on.

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They all like you more than me, and I guess in a way I can see why, because you possess something about you that I know I lack. And I am jealous. I don't want to be, but you have them. Them. And that's where I always wanted to be, or have been before, but now? I'm not sure of anything anymore, except for the fact that you are preferable.

And I'm just a loser because I write crap like this about people I love and hate and I can't seem to get my life or anything in order. I'm just a mess.