Monday, May 16, 2011

While I'm Still Seventeen

Mommy, I'm still a little girl. I swear I am.
Those numbers are bigger, and I am bigger, and the world seems so much bigger,
but Mommy, I promise I won't change.

I promise that I'm still me.


People keep telling me that I'm interesting and talented and that I have so much potential and that they like talking to me and that I'm someone that people look up to and aspire to be. Me, really? Me. I'm not being humble, I'm not downplaying anything when I say that I have absolutely no idea what anyone is talking about.

I know that everyone knows that I have flaws, and so stating so is not necessary. Somehow, though, people are beginning to be able to see redeeming qualities shine through these, even though I myself do not. And I am afraid that they might begin to get a false mental picture of me. See me as someone greater than I actually am.

And perhaps I might start to see myself in a way that is not a part of me.

I don't want to do that. I want to be real.

For example, you all probably know that I take pictures. For recreational purposes. I do not do this for a business or to win contests, but just because I enjoy it and love it. I have never entered any photography contests even though I have been recommended to do so several times. I wanted to enter earlier this year but the deadline came up sooner than I realized and was unable to, but that was fine with me. Because it's not a competition against others for me. It's a progression, a discovery, and it's me. For me, by me.

It's defining and focusing on beauty I see that might go unnoticed by others.

And my writing? Far from perfect, far from something that someone might want to publish or read, but I hope it grows and develops and continues to be a dominant part of my life. It can stay on this blog forever and I would be fine with that.

I just hope that they stay in my life. I hope that I always am able to do the things I want to do and not worry about profit. Not sell my beliefs or become in love with money. I want simply to express my life and thoughts and be satisfied with the things I can accomplish.

I'm growing up. I'll be eighteen in two days.
And as this happens, I just want to be sure that all of this is carved into my memory.

We make mistakes and learn through time,
we all grow old, we live, we die. We live.