Thursday, June 30, 2011

Mind: Blown

did that really just happen?

I'm having a bit of trouble thinking right now.
I think that really just happened.


Monday, June 27, 2011

Whistle While You Work

I wanted to make a list of songs that I think about and/or sing the most while I'm at work. I sing to myself a lot at work because I tend to go faster and focus more clearly that way. So, here's what I came up with, in no specific order.

1) Someone Like You - Adele
2) Affinity - Red Car Wire
3) Thank the Watchmaker - And Then There Were None
4) Don't Wait - Hit the Lights
5) Wait For Tomorrow - blessthefall
6) Jar of Hearts - Christina Perry
7) Set the Fire to the Third Bar - Snow Patrol
8) I Am Understood? - Relient K
9) Circle - Flyleaf
10) The Party Scene - All Time Low
11)  Last Three Letters - Alesana
12) Never Alone - BarlowGirl
13) Hands Down - Dashboard Confessional
14) Your Guardian Angel - The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus
15) ...And the Liver Screamed "Help!" - Chiodos
16) Cute Without the "E" - Taking Back Sunday
17) Therapy - Relient K
18) Stay Awake - Lydia
19) Your Call - Secondhand Serenade
20)  Beauty From Pain - Superchick

The Agenda

I wrote this today during a boring presentation about MAC and whatever. It's not very good, because I was just kind of trying to distract myself, but I thought I'd post it anyway.


And then you lied to me and said
I'm over this--our friendship's dead.
You had this agenda, a certain plan,
and though I was your biggest fan,
that wasn't enough for you--for me,
well I had to let you go--be free.
Two years later, here we are--
I'd like to say that's pretty far,
but not until recently had I hope.
Instead, I learned I had to cope
with regret and loss and reality
and with these things, the finality
of being your friend, and being a part
of the life you treasured within your heart.

But now, I see in front of me
a little hope that we can be
distant--yet present--and enjoy
each other now--girl and boy--
belonging to others, but still here
being good friends with nothing to fear.

Saturday, June 25, 2011

Edit Me - Week 6

This is my very first time participating in an Edit Me challenge, and so I'm hoping to do everything right. I'm really not sure why I haven't done this before, because editing pictures is one of my favorite hobbies.

I started editing this in Picasa and adjusted the shadows and highlights a little, and then transferred it to Picnik. There, I used a Duo-Tone with an off-white and dark blue at about 30%, with the contrast also at 30% and the brightness down to about -3%. After that, I added a slightly faded vignette. And there you have it. =)

Friday, June 24, 2011

My Days of Salem

Hallucinations--things I know,
but reality, too, starts to grow
and now, while waiting, I may find
how the difference stands in my mind.

My days--they're numbered, figurative,
but by the deaths I've seen, I shall live
a moment more than them--my friends--
but the time exactly all depends
on how I got here and how I'll stay
without Salem here to guide my way.

Salem! Salem!--she who gave
me a reason to avoid the grave
and see that constructed perfection is a loss
compared to the salvation of the cross.
My days of Salem were short, but great.
By grace, she found me--never too late.
She showed me life, she saved my soul,
and she'll live with me, although I know
that they say it was all in my head--
a hallucination by a boy almost dead--
but you see, she was real. I felt her hand,
and then the time between us expand,
and now I am here, in the hospital bed,
while she, my Salem, is missing. [Not dead!]
But she is not, is not a dream
or something made up by any extreme
measure I took to portray happiness
of a world my conscience tried to suppress.

Salem taught me about faith and truth
and innocence, like that of my youth.
And I know, I know that she is found
by my Lord and Savior--safe and sound.

And though I'm told it's a lie, I believe;
there is no one here that they can decieve,
because God's grace is upon me, and I take my leave.

Thursday, June 23, 2011

A bit of Paris

Well, I took over 700 pictures while I was in Europe, but my favorite were probably in Paris. I thought I'd share just a few with you.

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

Bird in Flight

I really like taking pictures of birds. Taking a good picture of a bird in flight was one of my goals while I was in Europe. This was the best I got. With one hand, mind you, because I was eating ice cream simultaneously.

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

Wait For

I was wrong.

I hope you do well, I hope you drive and find the world, and I hope you discover your place.

I'll be searching for my own, as well.


I'm waiting for that moment of clarity, the moment when things feel right. Maybe that won't come, maybe I'm looking at things from the wrong angle. I've noticed that I do that often--see things from the wrong point of view. I don't think with my heart--I just go with what sounds appropriate.

Also, I'm going to be happier. I'm making that effort, because that's what everyone else deserves from me. I've let them down too many times, and I've let myself slowly slip away. It's like I've given up on striving to be better. That was always the one thing that I was afraid would happen. So, it's not going to.

I've been told that happiness is a state of mind. I can agree with that.
So, I'm going to try to repress my overall hostile nature and see a brighter day.

That is all.


[also, you should go listen to this song]

Monday, June 20, 2011

Selling Sadness

I won't live up to expectations
and I--I am not sorry for this.
I am not sorry for being myself
or searching for something positive.
I am not sorry for my unsatisfaction,
or that I have needs beyond which is
attainable. Or realistic.
Though if that affects you, then I suppose,
I apologize for my inefficiency.
I'm sorry to inconvenience you,
although there was a time when my day
included nothing of myself but of you.
I'm not saying I regret that--no,
nor do I wish for any compensation.

I loved you.

I still do.

But I used to be satisfied with trying to fix you--
and now--now I've realized that I cannot
fix someone who was not broken by my hand.
And that I have no power to shape you
into becoming someone that I desire.

We're not the people I was hoping for.

That's alright--we're still fine.
We are perfect. Just not for each other.
I accept that graciously.

It's done.


A goodness reached my life yesterday--
fought its way in, somehow.
Initially, my body revolted--
took up defenses as though it were
a deadly poison or disease.
Obviously, this was not the case.

But now, when it's gone
what will life be like without?
Now that I know what it's like
in the presence of a kind of peace?

This is why I don't make promises.


Nevermind, I'll find
someone like you.


It's not a thought--it's a fact.
That is so simple to say, my dear,
but somehow I could make it sound
poetic. A monumental moment in literature.
Or not. It all depends
on words and rhymes and riddles and
basically, how bored I am.

There's nothing to do
but talk to you.

Yeah, whatever.

I'm never really important.


Sadness often seeps into words
on paper, in ink--emotions poured out.
When the mind and heart is overfilled
and one decides to expose his soul.
He exposed his soul,
then he sold his sadness.

He sold his sadness.

No, I won't do that. I'll never do that.
It's cheating. It's filthy.
I will strive to let my words remain real.
Something bad doesn't always
have to turn into something good.

Sometimes the goodness is the revolting part--
it's the part that needs escaping from.

Sometimes goodness can break a heart.


Sometimes, I think
it would have been better
if we had never met at all.

Sunday, June 19, 2011

A Cruel Name

The world is cruel,
The world is wicked.
It's I alone whom you can trust in this whole city.
I am your only friend.

You are deformed,
I am deformed,
and you are ugly,
and I am ugly.
and these are crimes
for which the world
shows little pity.

You do not comprehend.
You are my one defender.

Do as I say,
and stay
in here.

[taken from this song]


She is insignificant, or so she feels,
and you have made her feel that way.
You have convinced her she is made of monstrosity,
but have taught her to say, "I am grateful."

You have sucked the life out of her, reduced her to stone,
locked her up in a prison and called it a sanctuary.
But you are all she's ever known;
and so she calls you "friend" and apologizes
whenever doubt crosses the morning.

But soon, she will see
how much world would welcome her,
and how it is you who has restrained her existence.

She's not your friend; she is your captive.

Friday, June 17, 2011

Our Friendship's Development

The following excerpts are from past writings of mine. Some of them you might have seen on here before, but this time around I'm going to be posting more of them. The time has come when I go back through my old writings to see exactly how things used to be and how I felt compared to now, to see if I'm going into the right direction or completely going insane. It's interesting. Perhaps you'll come to your own conclusions.

Also, it's extremely difficult for me to post these writings, because they were written at one of the absolute lowest points in my life. They're raw, they're honest, and they're written from a girl conflicted with so many horrible things, all the while trying to find some sort of love and beauty in the world.

They show the beginning of a friendship and its development through several months, during the time when we both were going through extremely difficult things. It's our history.

Moments To Remember
June 15, 2010

It is so hard for me to talk to you about things like this. It's hard because it's so easy. It's so easy to talk to you about everything. Things that matter, things that don't. Yeah, we've got all that covered. But why can't I get these words out?

I'm switching now to someone new. You know, I believe in you. I barely know you, it's true. But I really think that you could be great. You've got something good going for you. Please don't let high school screw that up for you. And it will knock you around a little, that's for sure. It's gonna happen. But don't let it keep you down. Besides, know that you've got me there.


My Things. Theme: Best Friends
June 21, 2010

10 Things I wish I could say to 10 different people:

9. Hey man, this one is for you. Nothing in particular to say, but I feel like you deserved to be mentioned. You get my favorite number, too. That's a treat. Usually that's reserved for the backstabbers or the love affairs. Not you, though. You're just the kid who uses big words and gives me pep talks about being a friend. Thanks for that, by the way. Us? We're respectable people.

You wear your heart on your wrist. Add one to the list.
June 28, 2010

I should have said yes; that much I'm sure. I should have said yes to you today, because the moment I see you things can get better. We're the kind of people with huge spyglasses. There's really no point, and we know there's really no point, but we look cool and people think we're actually important. We're not, though. We're just two kids with huge spyglasses. That's who we are. Anyway, my point is I should have told you yes. And I'm so incredibly happy that you know who I am these days. I've been waiting for that.

You see, the truth is I'm afraid. I'm afraid; afraid of what to say.


"R" is my favorite.
September 14, 2010

Everything has been going sour,
and I thought I was lucky.
Take a note: past tense.
There really aren't words for this.

I'm selfish. And you're right; I am jealous.
I have always been jealous.
That's nothing new.
Come on, be sensible now. Take a hint.
It's really quite obvious.
Must I spell it out for you?

I am so tired of not being able to be with the person I want.

Yeah, you can go love her. I won't tell.
But you can't throw the word jealousy at me
like it's a crime, like I have no right to be.

It's creeping up on me, seeping into my skin.
And you know, I've decided
that "R" is my favorite letter.

Cross your fingers.

I wanted forever to know you, but all I had was a moment.
Take a note: past tense.


standing my ground.
October 15, 2010

But as for now, I need you to listen. I need you to stay. Because living means more when I have you to look forward to. And I do notice those small things. I can tell if you're smiling just by hearing your voice. That should tell you something, and I'm not sure if it did or not, but that's how I know that it's right. It's right for me to be here, to see you further than others do. To see you how you might see her. I understand that, and I hope you do as well. This is me standing my ground.

I'm not leaving. I never leave.


the backup plan.
October 17, 2010

I hate to wait, and I hate to be the backup plan. I'm so much better than that. I'm worth more than that.

Things won't stay how they are. The leaves are changing, and so are we. Today it's simple, but you're on the edge of your seat to start something new. You want progress, and so do I. But I want you to realize that I am here, that I've always been here.

I so desperately want you to look at me.
To see me.
Because I've seen you. I know you by heart.


I've loved you longer.
October 28, 2010

It really [hurts me] when I have to sit through nights like this. Nights when you talk to me normally and then say you're going to text me, so I stay up all night waiting for a text that doesn't come. Instead I see sad tweets but get no response when I try to talk to you about it. It's because I'm not the girl that you want to talk to, you post things so a particular person will ask you about it. I am not that person.

I need to find my voice.

I gave you two weeks. You have two more days. And today it caught up to me. I haven't been this upset in awhile.


Devastating the boundaries.
November 5, 2010

And I want to be remembered as someone great when I leave. That was always my dream. I can't do that with you in the picture.

You broke my heart. I'm taking it back from you.

We can't have everything. I know that now.


A Final Plea:
Remember who we once were
when I'm gone.


A certain road, words, Fate, and hands.
November 12, 2010

That road is a symbol, I think so every time I drive through it. I see your car growing smaller in my rearview mirror...farther and farther away from me until I turn the corner and it's gone completely. That's what it's like with us. You're getting smaller and smaller. And soon, you won't be there at all.

I know this as a fact.
Tell me I'm wrong.

Tell me the truth for once.


Those words used to bring me to my knees. The delicacy, the sweetness, the innocence all at once. They wrapped their warm arms around me and held me there, they held me for safe keeping. They were strong, but beautiful. Back then words could move my soul, could lead me through darkness. They could hunt me down and break my heart, and then find the pieces and know how to fit them back together again. They knew me inside and out. I was one with them, and they held my spirit in their palms.

Somewhere along the way, betrayal invited itself in. The words turned bitter on your tongue, and I became afraid of them. That fear remains. Still, I stand in the midst of those promises, that false innocence, and I tremble. I tremble.

Oh God, arise.


Open your eyes and avoid that collision,
it's time to make your own decision.

There comes a face, a time and place,
someone beautiful you cannot replace.
I'm scared. I cared.
I was never prepared.
Fate holds me in a cold embrace.


I'm letting you leave, that is all.

I'm haunted by hands, always reaching, always longing for an escape, longing so desperately for what they cannot reach. It's not my responsibility, it's not my fate to hold. There is a choice, it's out of my hands. Hands. Those hands are everywhere. They're seeping through my skin, they're everywhere I turn.

Always reaching, never finding.

I forgot what it was like to be real.



Wednesday, June 15, 2011

for when we go our separate ways.

The best thing, the difference is
that he has seen through her and not
been overly entranced by
looks and lust and longing for.
The difference is that I do not
feel inferior, or competition.
And my whole life, the common theme
is that I have always been second best.
Don't deny it; you chose her--
you chose her without hope.
You were willing to let me go.
And so I'll go--no, no, no.
I stayed.

I stayed.

That's more than she has ever done.
In fact, what all has she done?
But destroy you from the inside out
and now she leaves--yes, she leaves
soon. Without a farewell glance.
Without hesitation or regret.
Time and time again, she's broken you
and yet you still say she's perfect;
she's the one. She meets the standards,
and surpasses them. She's that girl.

I'll never understand.

Though you feel you'll have to change for her.
You'll lose yourself. Don't lose yourself.
Because you, to me, are perfect just
how you are, without special effects.

And when she's gone, who will stay?


If we're being honest here,
this week I learned that I'll survive
without you, though I never knew
that was an option. And likewise,
perhaps you'll find a better place
than here with me. Here with me.
Perhaps you'll grow and go and learn
to live with yourself without my hand.
Perhaps my hand has held you down.
I feel when I left, you actually lived
and learned to deal with distress
on your own. And succeeded.
So thus, my time has come and gone,
and when we go our separate ways,
we'll be alright. You'll be alright.
And I will be too. I promise that
wherever I go, I'll find a way
with or without you--not by choice,
but paths can only cross for so long
before riding into opposite lands.
You were never right for me, anyway,
I knew that from the very beginning.
I just hoped that maybe you were
someone else. But you're enough;
I don't need anything else from you.
I need to find more from myself.

Sunday, June 5, 2011

Over and Out

I am leaving for Europe in a few hours and will not be back until the 15th, so I am sorry for all who come looking and do not find anything. Feel free to go on a blast from the past and look through old posts or something.

Have a wonderful week. =)

Saturday, June 4, 2011

Video Scavenger Hunt

I could write another anonymous blog post in order to get all of my thoughts out right now, but instead I'm going to go wordless. Instead, I'm going to post three things that have been constantly running over and over in my head for the past 24 hours.

The FIRST has some strong language in it, so be warned. It is a scene taken from an R rated movie.



And that pretty much sums up everything about my day.

Thursday, June 2, 2011

Line Breaks and the Living

I might have lied, I might have flown;
I might have loved, I might have known;
I might have left, I might have slept;
I might have waved, I might have wept;
but though I stay, and though I sit,
I know inside, I benefit
from being myself and being alive
and striving to live and not to survive.

Wednesday, June 1, 2011

I am that transparent.

.I miss the days when you knew my name.
.I miss the days when that's all I had.
.I miss the days when it was just me

...and that was enough.


You, sir, are beautiful.


And no matter what they tell you,
no matter how things seem,
it will be you and me. You and me.
That is enough for me.
And you know me,
I know you care,
and I know you know it's you and me.
It's you and me.


I'm not going to continue and say
exactly what I want to say,
because I'm realizing that people
might actually read this.
And I hate that, because it used to not matter.
I told myself I would never let that matter.
But alas, you might be reading,
so I'll remain silent
for now.


I'm not after you, picking up crumbs.
I'm not a scavenger. I'm not a parasite.
My path does not follow yours,
it just crosses it. Often.
It tends to trail behind.
That's not to say I made it that way,
life just has a funny way
of throwing things back into my face.
But you--you are
untouchable; unstoppable;
I've known that. You'd win--hands down--
if this were a competition. It's not.
No, I swear it's not.
You were meant to be there. You refused.
And though I feel a bit resented,
I'm wearing a smile into the day.

I'm trying my best here.