Friday, June 17, 2011

Our Friendship's Development

The following excerpts are from past writings of mine. Some of them you might have seen on here before, but this time around I'm going to be posting more of them. The time has come when I go back through my old writings to see exactly how things used to be and how I felt compared to now, to see if I'm going into the right direction or completely going insane. It's interesting. Perhaps you'll come to your own conclusions.

Also, it's extremely difficult for me to post these writings, because they were written at one of the absolute lowest points in my life. They're raw, they're honest, and they're written from a girl conflicted with so many horrible things, all the while trying to find some sort of love and beauty in the world.

They show the beginning of a friendship and its development through several months, during the time when we both were going through extremely difficult things. It's our history.

Moments To Remember
June 15, 2010

It is so hard for me to talk to you about things like this. It's hard because it's so easy. It's so easy to talk to you about everything. Things that matter, things that don't. Yeah, we've got all that covered. But why can't I get these words out?

I'm switching now to someone new. You know, I believe in you. I barely know you, it's true. But I really think that you could be great. You've got something good going for you. Please don't let high school screw that up for you. And it will knock you around a little, that's for sure. It's gonna happen. But don't let it keep you down. Besides, know that you've got me there.


My Things. Theme: Best Friends
June 21, 2010

10 Things I wish I could say to 10 different people:

9. Hey man, this one is for you. Nothing in particular to say, but I feel like you deserved to be mentioned. You get my favorite number, too. That's a treat. Usually that's reserved for the backstabbers or the love affairs. Not you, though. You're just the kid who uses big words and gives me pep talks about being a friend. Thanks for that, by the way. Us? We're respectable people.

You wear your heart on your wrist. Add one to the list.
June 28, 2010

I should have said yes; that much I'm sure. I should have said yes to you today, because the moment I see you things can get better. We're the kind of people with huge spyglasses. There's really no point, and we know there's really no point, but we look cool and people think we're actually important. We're not, though. We're just two kids with huge spyglasses. That's who we are. Anyway, my point is I should have told you yes. And I'm so incredibly happy that you know who I am these days. I've been waiting for that.

You see, the truth is I'm afraid. I'm afraid; afraid of what to say.


"R" is my favorite.
September 14, 2010

Everything has been going sour,
and I thought I was lucky.
Take a note: past tense.
There really aren't words for this.

I'm selfish. And you're right; I am jealous.
I have always been jealous.
That's nothing new.
Come on, be sensible now. Take a hint.
It's really quite obvious.
Must I spell it out for you?

I am so tired of not being able to be with the person I want.

Yeah, you can go love her. I won't tell.
But you can't throw the word jealousy at me
like it's a crime, like I have no right to be.

It's creeping up on me, seeping into my skin.
And you know, I've decided
that "R" is my favorite letter.

Cross your fingers.

I wanted forever to know you, but all I had was a moment.
Take a note: past tense.


standing my ground.
October 15, 2010

But as for now, I need you to listen. I need you to stay. Because living means more when I have you to look forward to. And I do notice those small things. I can tell if you're smiling just by hearing your voice. That should tell you something, and I'm not sure if it did or not, but that's how I know that it's right. It's right for me to be here, to see you further than others do. To see you how you might see her. I understand that, and I hope you do as well. This is me standing my ground.

I'm not leaving. I never leave.


the backup plan.
October 17, 2010

I hate to wait, and I hate to be the backup plan. I'm so much better than that. I'm worth more than that.

Things won't stay how they are. The leaves are changing, and so are we. Today it's simple, but you're on the edge of your seat to start something new. You want progress, and so do I. But I want you to realize that I am here, that I've always been here.

I so desperately want you to look at me.
To see me.
Because I've seen you. I know you by heart.


I've loved you longer.
October 28, 2010

It really [hurts me] when I have to sit through nights like this. Nights when you talk to me normally and then say you're going to text me, so I stay up all night waiting for a text that doesn't come. Instead I see sad tweets but get no response when I try to talk to you about it. It's because I'm not the girl that you want to talk to, you post things so a particular person will ask you about it. I am not that person.

I need to find my voice.

I gave you two weeks. You have two more days. And today it caught up to me. I haven't been this upset in awhile.


Devastating the boundaries.
November 5, 2010

And I want to be remembered as someone great when I leave. That was always my dream. I can't do that with you in the picture.

You broke my heart. I'm taking it back from you.

We can't have everything. I know that now.


A Final Plea:
Remember who we once were
when I'm gone.


A certain road, words, Fate, and hands.
November 12, 2010

That road is a symbol, I think so every time I drive through it. I see your car growing smaller in my rearview mirror...farther and farther away from me until I turn the corner and it's gone completely. That's what it's like with us. You're getting smaller and smaller. And soon, you won't be there at all.

I know this as a fact.
Tell me I'm wrong.

Tell me the truth for once.


Those words used to bring me to my knees. The delicacy, the sweetness, the innocence all at once. They wrapped their warm arms around me and held me there, they held me for safe keeping. They were strong, but beautiful. Back then words could move my soul, could lead me through darkness. They could hunt me down and break my heart, and then find the pieces and know how to fit them back together again. They knew me inside and out. I was one with them, and they held my spirit in their palms.

Somewhere along the way, betrayal invited itself in. The words turned bitter on your tongue, and I became afraid of them. That fear remains. Still, I stand in the midst of those promises, that false innocence, and I tremble. I tremble.

Oh God, arise.


Open your eyes and avoid that collision,
it's time to make your own decision.

There comes a face, a time and place,
someone beautiful you cannot replace.
I'm scared. I cared.
I was never prepared.
Fate holds me in a cold embrace.


I'm letting you leave, that is all.

I'm haunted by hands, always reaching, always longing for an escape, longing so desperately for what they cannot reach. It's not my responsibility, it's not my fate to hold. There is a choice, it's out of my hands. Hands. Those hands are everywhere. They're seeping through my skin, they're everywhere I turn.

Always reaching, never finding.

I forgot what it was like to be real.