Saturday, July 30, 2011

Sound of August

August approaches; July bids farewell;
I own nothing to say or foretell,
but I have dread. My God, please wait--
I know you've found your destined fate--
but I won't be the person you dare to expel,
yet you're summoned by the final bell.

I wish I could congratulate;
instead, I dread the coming date.

The sound of August--I truly hate.

Friday, July 29, 2011

I've missed your faces.

I've missed my blog and all of your faces sincerely this past week, but I was out at church camp having the time of my life, witnessing God move through the lives and hearts of dozens of young adults. You know, I've seen some pretty ugly things in the world during the 18 years I've been here. But I have seen so much beauty. I've seen love and life and people be filled with joy and peace from God, and it's so overwhelming to be in the presence of all that. That's what my week was like. I'm so glad that my God has found me and blesses my heart every day. I'm so glad that I get to be called His child.

And so, I'd say a week without To Be Real was worth it, but I've still missed it quite dearly.

--Emily

Sunday, July 24, 2011

I knew. And now, I know.

I'm leaving soon, as you all know,
and I can't count the days or hours.
There are seconds left hanging in the air,
and they float around my head awhile,
but I can't count them. Today, I'm infinite.
Today, nothing can touch me. Today, I am fine.
Today, I own happiness. I've come upon
something good. Not just or tangible,
but a blessing. A soft whisper of something
I so long and have failed to have--hope.

Hope has finally wrapped its warm arms
around my cold-stricken neck.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

I don't care if you're still with her,
or with her again, back, continued,
whatever words you want to use...
I don't care. Congratulations, even.
My life has grown and gone without
you. I've lived without you
and I've loved life. I've seen life
without you.

I never lost a single thing.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

I hate the moments when people
have to make excuses just in case
they fail to live up to expectations.
Just in case they make a mistake,
or don't perform perfectly.
They'll say....Oh, I'm not very good at this,
or I'm new at this. Lies. Just accept
the fact that we're human; we're finite,
and we are prone to imperfection.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

They're playing a song--a catchy one.
You know, the type that might be good
if they didn't play it on the radio every ten minutes.
The one that's part pop and part indie
and that borderline cookie-cutter crazy kind of music.
I swear to God, if I were the kid in the casket,
I'd be punching myself in the face.
It really doesn't matter though--the music, I mean.
They could be playing freaking "Bennie and the Jets"
and I would still be bawling my eyes out.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

I'm so exhausted,
but it's been a good day.

-Emily.

Saturday, July 23, 2011

Ferocious.

I knew, I knew it would lead to this.
One problem: No. Several.
On second thought, what more could there
be? What exactly did I have in mind?
What exactly was I looking for?
I didn't know. I still don't know.

And now--today--I shall steal
words from others, because I
don't know how to form my own
anymore.

Then ask me what it's like 
to have myself so figured out...
...I wish I knew.


Rawr.

Monday, July 18, 2011

a hidden sadness.

I'm just a face that you once knew,
and that is all--not a heart,
not a voice, nor friend, nor name,
but a face. A pretty one.

You said I was the only one.

I know I did. And I meant it,
but I want so much more with you.
I want a chance. I want a life.
I want to fight for what might be,
but that is no longer an option.
A simple sentence: I am leaving.
And that's it--it's a period on a thought.
Nothing comes after that, no arguing,
no trying to convince you otherwise.
You're leaving; I'm staying.
And obviously, that means that
nothing more could come of us.

I am sorry for what might have happened
in your absence. But understand
that you gave me no options, but he did.
With him, I'm still a pretty face,
but at least I have a maybe to cling to.
to hope on. It lingers a bit.

You're leaving, and I wish I could go
with you. I can't.
I would as soon as I could, if possible,
but I can't.
Because you have so much life in you,
so much ahead of you. Opportunities.
And I do not. I don't belong in that--
I don't deserve that.
I am so insignificant compared to it all.
We all know that--I will remain
that pretty face you knew
once upon a time.

I've gotten through the weeks by
dabbling in hope,
but it's like a tilted hourglass
and all of my hope
is steadily declining.

I've done nothing right thus far.

Saturday, July 16, 2011

We Lived a Life

Sometimes you do the things you love; you leave the ones you love behind.

I love your thoughts, I wish I could spend a day living inside of them. Other times, I don't. Though I have this theory--that everyone has this way about them that enables to have a subtle connection to the thoughts of others. A sixth sense? Perhaps, though I like to think of it more as an understanding that results in both subjects being human. We've all been there. We'll all be there. We know what it's like. We overcome.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

She used to be terrified of owls. That night, they swarmed. They fought, they terrified. And she barely got through the night, through means of tears and blankets and covering herself in with the night. They got to her, though she did nothing. That was the beginning--to life. That was when she got her first taste.

The owls, they still come.
Steadier now. Stealthier.
And by the unfortunate nature of maturity, she has become accustomed to their presence.

God, I'm so tired of seeing them.

~~~~~~~~~~~

I'm so tired of being used. I can't be wanted for myself, no.
No, what was I thinking?
How selfish of you.
I'm not exactly an innocent child,
[as I've seen the owls for years]
but I am a person. I am a friend.

And I deserve better
than to be treated
just like her.

What ever happened to respect?
Where did love go? Kindness?
Tenderness? Gentleness?
What about simplicity--
putting others first--
or cherishing someone
just because their soul
speaks to yours?
What ever happened to letters,
or waiting for someone, learning
patience--because they were worth it.
Because they were all you could ever
hope for. Dream of. Imagine.
What ever happened to whispers
and sweetness? To smiles and
looking each other in the eye?
To not kissing someone in hopes of
making it right, not for you, but the other.
Making her feel like you could wait
for however long it took, because it didn't matter.
Kissing isn't the point--it's a statement--
a reflection of continual dedication
and affection. That's all. It's not important.
It's not even required.
I long to meet a man who can honestly say
that he could spend every single day with me
for the rest of his life, and love me,
and not have to kiss me once. He'd be satisfied
with just being with me, knowing me, learning me,
and that'd be it. That's all he could ever ask for.
That's the man I'm on the watch for.

I'm not a romantic; I seek goodness;
I seek a love worthwhile.

I'm just tired of surrendering
to the clutches of a selfish love.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Sometimes you have to see the world to find out what you left behind.

Friday, July 15, 2011

a different perspective.



















Same picture.

Two edits.

Well, I was trying to edit this as seen on the right, got unsatisfied at one point so my friend took my computer and wanted to give it a try, haha.

I rather like them.

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

show and tell and art. or something.

 
 When I uploaded the following pictures, I accidentally uploaded them with lower quality than normal, and I apologize if they appear that way. I promise the originals are gorgeous, haha.

So July is slowly slipping by, and I just wanted to share a few pictures that I took a few days ago. Starting with the beloved Romeo.


~~~~~~~~~~~~

I'm planning on putting a lot of these on my photography page Instead, Inspired--which is still in the works. But when it's up and running, you all will be the first to know.


  



~~~~~~~~~~~~

And now, for some of my home life.
Which means random pictures that are not considered art in the slightest.
Which can sometimes be the best kind.
=)

My best friend, Deacon, bought me this Kindle himself.
He is the best person in the world.
 

This is my puppydog face.
I know, it needs some work.



This is not my puppydog face.
This is my...yeah, what are you looking at?! face.



I got new shoes! They some of the most comfortable things known to man.



I coat my room in bible verses so I'll see them every day.
God is good. He is so good.
This verse is one of my favorites, which is why it's placed on my mirror, right above where my head is when I look into it.

 

Last but not least, I got new TOMS!
Best. shoes. ever.

Share your thoughts! =)
-Emily

Sunday, July 10, 2011

Faith in God; Faith in Men

You don't know him; you can't say
words of hatred or apprehension
against such a grace; against someone
that I choose. Willingly. That I see.
If there's something there that I may find,
and you respect me, respect my decisions.
Although, I'll admit that I've been wrong.
Yes, indeed. And I screw up.
I'm the prime example of a sinner.
But I'm not proud of that. I regret it, really,
and I thank the Lord that I can seek His grace
and find it. And live in love, His love. His perfection.
But even so, I know right from wrong;
It's been embedded within my soul.
And I think we should all just try, just for once,
to give everyone--especially those we don't like--
a chance. The benefit of the doubt.

Because deep inside, we're all the same.

Friday, July 8, 2011

Uhh, Warning:

I should not like you.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Every word she writes ... it's like I could have written them myself. I know that, I realize that. Fact. Sure.

You were my friend, we dated, my life revolved around you, crap happened, we broke up. I lost my friend. I lost that life.

And I found myself, instead.

I need to look at what I learned and see the whole picture.

Though I have a good feeling that we're not the kids that we were back then. I know I'm not. I hope you're not, too. Because I knew you, and you knew me, but not anymore. Now isn't capable of being compared to then. We're different.

Just, make this easy on me and stop texting me. Now.
Because I enjoy it.

Wednesday, July 6, 2011

And then, the Auxiliary

I'll burn them all, for this is me,
and in this day, it's right to be
against the predictable; invisible
and certainly always divisible
by someone else--what's mine, is
his right to steal and have--his.
My patience: gone. My love: again,
this time I'll love with what has been
a missing comfort--my fault, forgive
that I am a sinner that struggles to live
up to standards, up to the right
moment of word and truth, despite
a defined persona of perfection and poise
from the people creating the background noise
between whispers and gossip--perfect, indeed--
it's been decided. Now, let's proceed
in labeling one--me--due to another:
a friend, a boyfriend, a boy, a brother;
for they define me. It's obvious,
and certainly, because of this,
I have become less than a desired prospect--
unable to achieve anything perfect--
and I run into danger again, instead,
though I can see it coming from miles ahead.
Without these men, I hold no sight
worth seeing as anything somebody might
admire; respect; oh no, God no--
we must therefore stick to the status quo
and push me under feet--worthless.
I'll be forsaken there forever, unless
someone dares to defy the people of earth
and see me instead as somebody worth
knowing and loving--based on me,
not someone I know or hope to be--
and not in the shadow of a false romance,
waiting on someone to give me a chance.
I don't need them--I'm content
without needing someone to represent
my life; my journey; and my soul.
Alone, I'll be happy--alone, I am whole.

Tuesday, July 5, 2011

Instead, Inspired

Hello everyone. I hope you noticed the new look to my blog, and I hope you find it a bit more warm and welcoming and reader-friendly. If you have any comments or suggestions, please let me know, because designing my blog is not something I'm very good at. I'm not tech savvy at all.

Now, with that aside, I'd like to tell you of a new project that has been rolling around in my head for awhile. I have decided to make a fan page strictly for my photography, which will probably be done on Facebook, for it suits it better. It will be titled Instead, Inspired. I think. This is all subject to change, haha.


So readers, I wish for you not to be confused. To Be Real will remain my blog, but it has never been a strict photoblog for me, as you all probably know. This is for my writing, with a bit of photography because it's what I love. Instead, Inspired will be a home for my photography. The confusing part will be that you'll see Instead, Inspired on some of my pictures. Just know: different name, same author.

I feel like that was more confusing than it should have been. But like I said, this is all subject to change. It's still just a working project as of now.

- Emily

Monday, July 4, 2011

One Hundred and Apologies

The Facts:
  • This is my 100th blog post on To Be Real.
  • I first began blogging on July 4th, 2006.
  • So it's a double celebration!
  • However, I don't have some big, beautiful post planned.
  • Instead, I'm just going to go with the flow.
  • Also, I like lists. I need to do this more often.
~~~~~~~~~~~~

I keep seeing ideas--thoughts materialize--
and certain substances that tear through reality
and scream through the night.
Is this how chaos feels? Instability?
Insecurity--my one downfall, always.
But I might make promises within my youth,
and be blessed from there on until
I realize the margins of such a gift, and requirements,
and the laws of physics start to adjust accordingly.
But otherwise, before I had known, my mind
would have been able to take to the stars
and touch the mist; the clouds; the air.
I stood in awe of lightning tonight,
and decided that God is real. He's real.
He's real. He's real. And such assurance
is enough to capture me completely--
it's enough for me to put my faith first
and pray to God, Please hold my hand!
There we'll stand--hand in hand--
safer than home and words and rain.
Safer than I had ever known before.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

I know that I will never be important,
and that I understand.
Truly, it is no problem. Instead, it lies
within the concept of otherwise.
I'll call you darling, just this once,
[because I know it does not fit]
and then I'll say that I am not
the person that people expect.
I never am able to see my flaws
first, and act next. There's a delay.
And to you, well, you're family--
my supporter--and I fell short.
Oh God, I fell short again.
And how does that feel? It feels like this:
it feels like proof that I am not worthy
to be called a friend, or possess love
or kindness; instead, selfishness;
cruelty and a bit of ignorance.
And there was conviction--vividly,
but the moment before I felt its clutch
was that sincere second of satisfaction.
Satisfaction! Oh, it's disgusting.
I wish I knew. I wish I knew
how to separate myself from any moment
of my life spent on hurting another one
of God's children. One of my brothers.
I wish I knew words stronger than Sorry,
I wish I knew how to regain what's been lost--
a moment of doubt formed between us. It can't be undone.
And there was that evening when you had me admit
to it, and then asked me why, and I
searched for a reason; I found none.
The mere fact that there was not even an excuse
hurt my soul. I had no reason, good or bad.
I felt like I had betrayed a beautiful person
that otherwise, I see as a gift from my God.
Tonight, I can't sleep; my thoughts are singing apologies
and my words taste like dust.
I don't understand how forgiveness
has even the slightest possibility of reaching me,
because I truly am the most troubled and conflicted
and messed up individual ever known.
But I'll be here with you, for you,
and strive to overcome my flaws.
Jesus: hold my hand. Never let go.

Saturday, July 2, 2011

Edit Me - Week 7

 My Reflection of Something

I took this picture directly to Picnik, and started out by bumping up the Exposure by 5 and the Contrast by 25. I then tried the "Holga-ish" option and blurred the edges 87%, set the grain to 11%, and faded it 18%. Then for fun, I tried the "Orton-ish" option and set the bloom to 66%, Brightness to 55%, and faded it 50%. Then I softened everything except the flag by 70% and faded it 50%...just for a little umph. The colors were a little too faded for my liking, so I raised the saturation by 15%. I tried to add text, but ended up not liking it so I took it out. Then I saved it back on to Picasa. Afterwards, I decided that it was missing something, so I added text back in, haha. Here's the finished product.