Sunday, October 30, 2011

It's Been Awhile

I know I haven't posted since Wednesday, which seems unreal to me but completely understandable given my crazy schedule. I warned you all, though. Don't say I didn't. ;-)

Unfortunately, I also work tomorrow and the next day, as well as Friday and Saturday. So my time is still pretty limited. However, with this super ultra awesome paycheck I'll be getting this week, I'm planning on buying a new laptop, which will make me very happy. And I hope you, too.

Just a side note: Do Not go see Paranormal Activity 3 if you are not much of a scary movie watcher like myself.

*shudder*

I just had some hot chocolate, it's 11:36 PM, I've just emerged from a nice hot bath, so I think I'm going to get some rest now.

Happy Halloween!

--Emily

Wednesday, October 26, 2011

Lavinia

My name is little sister,
I am who I've become.
I am the little someone
that when you call, will come.

I am not artistic;
my sister is the one
that writes with words and rhythm
and does all this for fun.

She is the one remembered:
the recluse within the house,
The Belle of Amherst status,
the one with the white blouse.

I sit behind the corner,
I found her poetry,
and though I lived for her,
no one remembers me.

Tuesday, October 25, 2011

Exhaustion

I am so overwhelmed by work, school, and all of life at this point. And to be honest, it really sucks.
I miss afternoons to myself.
I miss time to read and write.
And think.
You know, just sit and think.
I miss being able to sleep in
and not having to stay up until 2:30 AM for some alone time.
I miss going to the movies
and having friends to take along.
I miss spending hours making mix CDs for Jenna.
And playing outside. And laying on the floor.
And home-cooked meals.
And getting an A in a class without effort,
because that's the kind of student I was.
I miss long baths with soap and bubbles.
And playing with my dog, Romeo.
I miss going out on Tuesdays with Branson,
and having time to take pictures.
I miss editing them, too.

Today I realized that there will never again be a time in my life that I am not required to work.
And it's all so exhausting.

In the midst of this, I started writing a Bucket List today.

--Emily

Monday, October 24, 2011

a little farther away from me.

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And we watch them grow, we watch them go,
we watch their colors fade,
their outlines--their shades--all go to gray,
and then we watch them die.

I never said goodbye.

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Love is watching someone die.

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~~~~~~~~~~~~

And I sat on my deck, I was in a chair. And I cried.
I cried so loud.

I thank the Lord that my friend was with me.
We were sitting in my bedroom, on my floor.
I was on Facebook, and then I saw it.

I told her what happened.
She said, "That's too bad."

I have a large gap in my memory.

I stayed the night with him.
I know it hurt--he thought for a second
that maybe I was someone else.
I know it helped--afterwards,
he knew he still had me.

I went to my 8:00 class the next morning.
College Algebra. I couldn't concentrate,
but I tried to grasp normalcy.

I skipped classes. I sat in the library.
I know he would have wanted me there.

I sat in the library. In a group I didn't know.
And then one asked me,
"Heaven or hell?"

You might have been asking me
what kind of meat I prefer.
So casual.

As if it were in my hands.
As if I knew the voice of God
and the heart of another.
As if it were that simple.

It rained, of course.

You didn't make your cue
and I didn't make it to my car.
I broke down somewhere on the sidewalk.

Then I had dreams.
For six months, I dreamt
of asking you to come to church 
with me.

I don't remember your hair anymore.

And to be honest, I don't know how
beginnings and endings are definite.
Everything has blurred ever since.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

--Emily

Saturday, October 22, 2011

a new look, but not really.

Well, I tried to completely redesign my blog today, but it just did not work out.
I ended up just changing fonts, right-aligning my title, and changing some of the content in the Pages tabs.

I'll probably try to redesign it again in the next week or so. My problem is I want a header, but I don't know what I want it to look like. And I don't have Photoshop (nor could I do anything prestigious with it even if I did have it) to play around and try things, so if I want something done I pretty much have to know what I'm doing.

Sigh. For now, I'm going to read some more of The Bell Jar before I have to go to work.

Also, I have tomorrow, Wednesday, and Thursday off work this week. In other words, I'm going to be pretty busy and I'll have less time to spend on here.

--Emily

Friday, October 21, 2011

Some Color

I finally got a day off. Any guesses how I spent it?
A.) Sleeping
B.) Editing pictures
C.) Watching cheap zombie movies with Jenna
D.) All of the above

And the correct answer is.....D!
Big surprise, right? Right.

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So, I kind of love Autumn. (I actually call it Fall, but for the sake of blogging we'll say autumn.) I really dislike zombie movies. So instead of giving you pictures of crazy zombies (because, you know, MO is full of them apparently) I decided to give you pictures of flowers instead. =)

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(okay, so the one above is from last month, but I had time to finally edit it today.)

Oh, and some of me, too. Because I feel like it's been awhile.

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These were actually taken on Saturday, after I got home from the Marching Band festival at the high school. I got a bad sunburn. You can't really tell, though.

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The point is, I looked funny all week.
But hey, it was worth it to sit by Deacon for awhile and watch the bands.

--Emily

Thursday, October 20, 2011

Autumn's Dance

We all have flakes of red in our hair.
- 9.28.11

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It's almost noon. Not quite, yet.
The east-side of the library shines.
And they dance their usual step;
they glide with utter eloquence
in the chilled-but-radiant air.
These days, they're gold. Honeycombs
that turn a little day by day
with specks of red in their hair.
They are free from perfection--every one
Masters of colors, no doubt. They have
seen and duplicated several this month.
And they dance. They twirl! I long to be
that brave. Plunging towards the earth!
The red stand out; the gold do shine
when the sun creeps past the clouds and hour.
I wonder if I ever could.
I wonder if I'll ever have
the kind of faith to glow, then dive.
I wonder which color possesses me,
or if I'll always be watching them dance.

"Books to Read Before I Die" List

Please note: This list can be added and subtracted from as I see fit, and does not have to be read in chronological order. They shall all be given a chance to shine. Those in italics are ones that I own, those crossed out I've already read.

1. The Chronicles of Narnia and Mere Christianity by C.S. Lewis
2. The Hobbit and The Lord of the Rings trilogy by J.R.R. Tolkien
3. the main works of Jane Austen, particularly Emma and Pride and Prejudice
4. The Great Gatsby by F.Scott Fitzgerald
5. The Lord of the Flies by William Golding
6. Little Women by Louisa May Alcott
7. The Secret Garden by Frances Hodson Burnett
8. The Scarlet Letter by Nathaniel Hawthorne (I kind of own this, it's in one of my Lit textbooks)
9. Atonement by Ian McEwan
10. The Bell Jar by Sylvia Plath
11. Tuesdays With Morrie by Mitch Albom
12. Hamlet by William Shakespeare (Note: I will eventually reread this, because most of this first time was done on Sparknotes.)
13. The Catcher in the Rye by JD Salinger
14. 1984 by George Orwell
15. Call of the Wild by Jack London
16. Flowers for Algernon by Daniel Keyes
17. Fahrenheit 451 by Ray Bradbury
18. some works by Stephen King (Cujo, The Green Mile, Salem's Lot, Carrie, The Shining, The Stand, etc.)
19. The Pearl by John Steinbeck
20. some works by H.G. Wells (The Time Machine, The Invisible Man, War of the Worlds, etc.)
21. Flowers in the Attic by V.C. Andrews
22. The Hunchback of Notre Dame by Victor Hugo
23. The Little Mermaid by Hans Christian Anderson
24. Bambi, A Life in the Woods by Felix Salten
25. Brave New World by Aldous Huxley
26. The Collected Poems of Emily Dickinson 
27. As I Lay Dying by William Faulkner (really, I just wanted to read something by Faulkner, it doesn't necessarily have to be this book)
28. Catch-22 by Joseph Heller
29. The Inferno by Dante Alighieri
30. The Perks of Being a Wallflower by Stephen Chbosky
31. Jumper by Steven Gould
32. The Inheritance Cycle by Christopher Paolini (Eragon, Eldest, Brisingr, Inheritance)
33. The Things They Carried by Tim O'Brien
34. Speak by Laurie Halse Anderson
35. Wicked: The Life and Times of the Wicked Witch of the West by Gregory Maguire
36. Charlotte's Web by E. B. White
37. some works by Virginia Woolf (The Waves, Mrs. Dalloway, To the Lighthouse, etc.)
36. some works by Margaret Atwood (The Handmaid's Tale, The Blind Assassin)
37. Slaughterhouse-Five by Kurt Vonnegut
38. The Picture of Dorian Gray by Oscar Wilde
39. Dracula by Bram Stoker
40. Frankenstein by Mary Shelley
41. Ender's Game by Orson Scott Card
42. The Stranger by Albert Camus
43. Sophie's Choice by William Styron
44. Stardust by Neil Gaiman
45. A Farewell to Arms by Ernest Hemingway
46. Jane Eyre by Charlotte Bronte
47. A Wrinkle in Time by Madeleine L'Engle
48. the Percy Jackson series by Rick Riordan
49. Water for Elephants by Sara Gruen
50. I Never Promised You a Rose Garden by Joanne Greenberg
51. Gone Girl by Gillian Flynn
52. Mrs Dalloway by Virginia Woolf
53. The Remains of the Day by Kazuo Ishiguro
54. Orphan Train by Christina Baker Kline
55. The Kite Runner by Khaled Hosseini
56. The Old Man and the Sea by Ernest Hemingway
57. The Red Badge of Courage by Stephen Crane

Catching Up

I know I haven't posted in awhile, or much this month at all, but I promise it's not because I don't want to. =) I just haven't had a whole lot to say lately, and in the meantime I finally finished reading Flowers for Algernon, which turned out to be a fantastic book. I'm not sure how it slipped through the curriculum at my high school, but somehow it did. Well, that's one more book to cross off my "Books I Want to Read Before I Die" list.

By the way, I've never posted that list on here, have I? Hmm. I'll have to put that on my "To-Do" list.
(which, by the way, also holds writing a Bucket List. Ironic, right?)

I'm so thankful. You know what? My life is blessed. And I've started taking a step back throughout the day and just thanking God for all of it. He is so, so, so good.

Jenna 15

My best and longest friend ever has been home from college for a week now, and I don't want to ever give her back. I want to keep her tucked away for safe keeping. College says otherwise.

Also, we finally started on our poetry unity in my Inro to Lit class, which I was suuuuuper excited for, but now I'm not sure if I am. Don't get me wrong, I love poetry. And I love reading poetry. But I'm bad about not enjoying something if it's required of me. So I hope it doesn't spoil anything for me.

I think up next on my reading list will be Sylvia Plath's The Bell Jar. I might go do that now.
First, a little poem that I scribbled down yesterday:

Decisions should be weighed upon
and pondered with a heart
That balances faith with logic and
sets the world apart.
Influence is a mighty tool,
but overcoming this
may lead to strength, and with success,
the truth is hard to miss.

--Emily

Sunday, October 16, 2011

I Need a Moment

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My friends are back, but they're still gone. They have been gone, and will be gone. I've accepted that. It's hard, because I love them and my entire life I've been terrified of any kind of change, and now it's all hitting me at once and it's hard to just sit here and let it all happen. I love them. I miss them. Soon, I will be gone, too.

I visited a college yesterday in Hannibal. I really, really liked it. It's been on my mind all day. There's a good chance I'll go there. They really have a strong focus on the Lord, and that's exactly what I want/need, especially at this point in my life. I'm starting to realize that people, no matter how close you are, will come and go. Christ will remain.

Lately I've felt so busy and unable to make everyone happy. I feel like everyone wants so much from me and I'm not able to fulfill that. And after giving my time not only to them, but also to school and work, I'm afraid there's not much time left for me. I'm an introvert. I enjoy being alone, but it's more than that. I need to be alone sometimes. That's just my personality. People don't always understand that.

[[I just heard something outside my window. It's giving me the creeps.]]

I have so much guilt on me right now because I feel like I've let people down, but I've done the best I can. I'll probably be up for awhile. My mind is too scattered to be able to sleep right now.

--Emily

Friday, October 14, 2011

Hear Me

I know now that the tears came not from the event leading up to me hugging my arms around my friend, but the hug itself. How honest and pure it was, like when we were young, but how it was accompanied with a pain and piercing grief that is held within him permanently, and how that saturation of grief overwhelmed an act of purity that used to comfort anything. 
-- 9.30.11

~~~~~~~~~~~~

I think of you. I do.
I think of you every day.

I wonder how we got this way.
I wonder if we'll be okay.

I should have had you stay.
I should have known what to do.

We're through.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

I don't like tans.
I like dresses.
I never wear them.

I don't like my hair long.
My hair is always long.
I can't style it at all.

I try too hard to be someone else.
I don't put enough effort in myself.
I'm never satisfied.

I don't wear makeup.
I'm not bothered by that.
My boyfriend likes it that way.

I never call him that.
I don't know why.
It kind of freaks me out, I guess.

I'm starting to realize some things.
I want to make some changes.
I want to become myself.

I want to hear of my potential
and actually smile in agreement.
I don't want to have doubts anymore.

I want to write without an audience.
I want to have readers.
I want to be in love anyway.

I want to be honest again.
I want the Lord back in my life.
I know He never left.

I want to be headed the right way.
I need to be headed the right way.
I hope I'm headed the right way.

I am Emily.
Hear me roar.

Tuesday, October 11, 2011

All That Happens

Not only could I not be there,
in those few precious moments before your departure,
but I could not prevent it.
This trend--this devastation--
this atrocity known as Death
has its way of sneaking behind me
and blinds me. Binds me.
Leaves me crippled on the floor
lying, looking at the buried beds.
And circular flower gardens
like they can cover decay with decor.
Death's not impressed; it is satisfied
with surprising its victims and bystanders.
Those flowers, too, shall fall.

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Saturday, October 8, 2011

I've Heard

I promise, I promise I wear my real eyes.
I promise I'm not a follower.
I'm not a fake; I make mistakes.
I may have wanted to be her,
I might have hidden under lies,

but I stand at five foot six.
I can't sing or dance or draw
out of the blue; I'm nothing new.
I am covered with multiple flaws
that I have constantly failed to fix.

I never wanted a life to steal.
I accepted that he belonged to you.
I know it's late; we'll get this straight.
I'm sorry for all that you've been through--
I only wanted to be real.

Wednesday, October 5, 2011

A Shrugging Off

Leave me sitting on my own;
      Let me write and be.
I'd rather be here all alone
      than have you torment me.
I find peace in my own thoughts
      without a telling mind.
I know you wish I would have sought
      what thoughts you had to find,
though I did not; I let you go
      without a syllable.
It will not show, although you know
      how I sit so miserable.

Monday, October 3, 2011

off to a good start.

And all of the friends that think that I'm blessed,
they don't know my head is a mess.
No, they don't know who I really am
and they don't know what I've been through 
like you do. And I was made for you.
-The Story by Brandi Carlile

It's been a fantastic weekend, and I don't have school tomorrow. =)

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I actually had a little bit of time to edit some pictures. I even went to Wal-Mart earlier and got some printed. It was funny because the lady who checked them before she rang me up asked me if I had a copyright release with me. I didn't understand her at first, so I just said no. Then she asked if I took them myself and rang me up after I said yes. Then I realized she thought I had stolen the pictures off of the internet! It cracked me up.

Also, I have to run the night shift at work tomorrow myself for the first time. Wish me luck!
I mean, I don't have to do too much, because my sister is coming in at night to do all the paperwork. But still, it's a lot of responsibility.

I haven't written any poetry for a few days, but I have been watching quite a bit of Grey's Anatomy. Whatever season just came out on DVD, that is. I don't watch it on the air--I like to watch it all at once with Karlee. She buys all the seasons so we just watch them together late at night or so. Anyway, they had this really cool musical episode. Here's some music from that.

They're both good, but I've been listening to the second one constantly.



 --Emily

Saturday, October 1, 2011

Oh, Kitty

Well, I've wanted a cat my entire life, but my dad has been allergic to them his entire life. So we've never been able to get a cat, even though we live in an area of town where a lot of stray dogs and cats end up. So there have been several of them lurking around here over the years, but eventually we get rid of them all, finding a home or taking them to a shelter.

So when a cat started hanging around below are deck a week ago, I figured it would be the same routine. But then a few days later, my dad came home with a bag of cat food.

I think all four of us have become quite attached to the cat, especially my older sister. He's pretty young and absolutely loves attention. He has to stay outside because of my dad's allergy, but he sleeps on our porch swing and I think he's getting used to it. I don't know if we'll end up keeping him forever, but we are for now. At least until we find someone who wants him.

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My mother insists on calling him Tiger, because she asked her kids at school to write down names and drew from a hat and Tiger was the big winner. Karlee and I aren't really fond of that name, so we'll see how that goes.

--Emily

PS: I got a promotion at work and am now a supervisor. I get to lead my own shift on Tuesday. Wish me luck!