Wednesday, February 29, 2012

Happy Leap Day!

The weather was awesome today.
I just felt like it was worth mentioning.


Also, I finished reading Fahrenheit 451 the other day. If I were rating out of five stars, I'd probably give it two. I just really didn't find it as spectacular as everyone had always told me. Maybe that was the problem. I went into it thinking it would be spectacular. I just felt like I missed out on something.

One day, I might go around telling people that I don't like a book or movie that I actually love, that way they can enjoy it for themselves.

Now I am on to Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire, which I haven't read since middle school. I love this series so much.

Also, if you were born on this day, Happy Forreal Birthday.


Finding Forgiveness.

I told myself I wouldn't write this, but I did.
I told myself I wouldn't post this, but I am.



Expected actions from someone like you--
someone who craved a new existence--
someone who needed more than me,
more than my inadequate presence.
For them, oh--common behavior.
But you, my friend? You, my love
who held my  heart with docile hands?
And here I thought that you were more
than the average leeches that have tasted
and chugged gallons of my thinning blood.
I now stand hollow. Transparent skin
reflecting not light nor any compassion,
but weeping emotions through dry tears.
Remember when your hope was lost
and your girl forfeited your dire efforts?
She fled, avoided, ignored and left
and you, alone, leaned away
eventually. Took what you could get.
I was all that you could get.
Perhaps I should have expected
disappointment, after all.

* * * *

I made a choice to be in this
and fight with every muscle and hope
and overcome flaws and fails.
I will remember. I will stay
and stand a step closer. Close
enough to provide support
to my love and counterpart.

* * * *

I taught myself to forgive
all sorts of flaws and afflictions.
People act, for reasons
both revealed and unrevealed by sight
(but so do I).
Actions, I've learned
tarnishes the skin of the perpetrator--
but that may be polished by their left hand.
More so, it gouges out, it hollows out
a chunk of hope from another's archive.
What can refill a loss of hope?
What can compensate innocent faith?
My pitcher is filled by a sticky substance
that molds and hardens to hopeless holes.
I pour a bit in to you and me--
better, we feel. A bit like before--
a bit like both had never happened--
a bit like flaws might not exist.
Except, of course, for discoloration.


It's been an interesting week.

Tuesday, February 28, 2012

Daily Words: Week 8

Day 50! Landmark!
The word is...

a self-evident truth that requires no proof

Found: in a PowerPoint at church tonight


Day 51. Whoo.
Word is...

the state of being happy; bliss

Found: while reading Common Sense in my American Lit textbook.


Day 52. Number of weeks in a year?
The word is...

[yoo-fawr-ee-uh, -fohr-]
a feeling of happiness, confidence, or well-being, sometimes exaggerated in pathological states as mania

Found: in the short essay "After birth" by Alisa Gordaneer


Day 53.
The word is....

characterized by assumption of dignity or importance; ostentatious

Found: mentioned by Deacon


Day 54
The word is...

to try to equal or excelimitate with effort to equal or surpass

Found: while watching Grey's Anatomy, Season 4.


Day 55
The word is...

noting or pertaining to a mood or mode of the verb that may be used for subjective, doubtful, hypothetical, or grammatically subordinate statements or questions, as the mood of be  in if this be treason.

Found: in an essay for Creative Nonfiction


Day 56.
And the word for today is...

existing or being everywhere, especially at the same time; omnipresent

Found: in yet another essay for Creative Nonfiction



Saturday, February 25, 2012

So much closer.

I had Thursday off again this week, and I had the strong urge to get dressed up and take pictures with Deacon. He wasn't feeling very well, but he already had on dress clothes due to Formal February, and so I decided it was time. Besides, we won't get the prom pictures this year that I had been looking forward to because we have decided not to go.

You've probably seen me in this dress before, by the way. I wore it to my graduation and took a photoshoot in it back in May.

Also! These were all done via tripod, which I would like to say I'm getting better at using, but I'm not really sure that I am.

My backyard comes in handy a lot.

I usually hate PDA and would never post a picture like this,
but I thought it was too perfect not to share.

I just really liked playing with the colors here. =)

Alright, I confess: I can't dance. At all.

This one might be my favorite.
It turned out a lot better than I expected.



Well, it's late and I have a big day tomorrow.

We're getting our family portrait done and then I have to run straight to work, and we have a 40 pizza delivery order to make. Good thing I'm feeling a lot better than last week!

Have a good weekend, everyone. =)


Wednesday, February 22, 2012

Free Fall


Rhetorical question. I had a thought
that we, through birth, had willingly bought
a life with pursuit of happiness—
instinctual, without need to be taught.
So why are heights a common friend
to catapult bodies—the latest trend?
And why, if so close to happiness,
does depression distort us—break and then bend?
Why, if we live, do we want to die
so young? We don’t even want to try
to work toward the pursuit of happiness
and treat life as more than a passerby.


Cut my hair                        >>choice
Cut my food                        >>provision
Cut my finger                    >>accident
Cut my salary                    >>solution
Cut my skin,
my soul,                               >>result
my life 


Sinking, flinging,
flying shoe
released from cliff’s edge,
falling through
nature’s oxygen,
hit with sunlight,
and sky blue
as it free-falls
straight into
reflected images
of me and you.

Goodbye old friend,
you almost flew;
Now, you swim
in life




Notes from the Computer Lab

  • I'm in the computer lab.
    (What else is new?)
  • And I really have nothing to say, but I haven't blogged in awhile. I thought everyone should be aware that I am much, much better now, and thanks for all the prayers and support.
  • I have pictures just piling on my camera and would like to share some, but I don't have time today. Lots of homework to do. However! I have tomorrow off, so perhaps I'll work on them then.
  • Happy Ash Wednesday! Did you give anything up for Lent?
  • I didn't give anything up for Lent.
  • Deacon told me he would take 10 minutes tops in here. It's been 30 minutes.
  • I knew this would happen. The girl always knows.
  • Have a wonderful last-half of the week!

Sunday, February 19, 2012

Daily Words: Week 7

Day 43.
Word is...

a point or pointed end

Found: while watching TV with Deacon. He suggested it be my word for today.
"What does cusp really mean, anyway?"


Day 44! Today's word is...

noun. Scot.
the eve of New Year's Day

Found: while playing Trivial Pursuit with my family for Karlee's birthday.


Day 45. Valentine's Day.
The word is...


Found: online, in honor of Valentine's Day


Day 46.
I was going to do "deride," but then I realized it was kind of a form of "derision."
So the new word is...

to roll, toss, or heave (like waves of an ocean)
to lie bathed in or drenched in something, especially blood
become deeply or extensively involved, associated, entangled, etc.

Found: in Fahrenheit 451.


Day 47. The day I got sick.
The word is...

argument of conclusion, such as “All A is C; all B is A; therefore all B is C.”
deductive reasoning
an extremely subtle, sophisticated, or deceptive argument

Found: in my American Lit class.


Day 48. The word is...

moved to or showing sudden, impatient irritation, especially over some trifling annoyance

Found: in the movie 10 Things I Hate About You


Day 49.
Saturday at last.
The word is...

bestowing bliss, blessings, happiness, etc

Found: in Fahrenheit 451



Friday, February 17, 2012

My Worst Public Experience

I have been terribly sick over the last 18 hours or so, due to (I think) food poisoning from bad chicken wings I ate at Rally's. I had them for lunch yesterday--an order of five, but I only ate three--and around 4:30, I started to feel really sick.

At 5:30, I went with Deacon to his grandma's house because yesterday was her 75th birthday. I couldn't eat anything. The thought of food made me (and still makes me) nauseous. So I sat there until Deacon and I had to leave about 6:20. He's in Swing Choir and they were supposed to sing the National Anthem at the Girls' Basketball game.

So we went to the high school--my first time back in months. I love going to our basketball games, and I saw a lot of people that I hadn't seen in awhile. It was pretty great. The choir sang at 7:00, and they were spectacular, but by then I felt terrible and left with Deacon promptly. I asked him if we could go out the nearest door instead of the door we came in (I'm not sure why I had this impulse, but thank goodness I did) and so we walked towards the car.

We were halfway there and I remember telling him, a little lightly, "I feel like I could puke at any moment." After I said that, I walked a few more steps before I felt it in my stomach--the uneasiness. I stopped and moved to the right off the sidewalk, at a little grass area next to the road, and tried to tell myself I could get through it. Then I felt a salty feeling in my throat, and I knew I had no choice. It was happening right there and then.

I held my hair, squatted, and got sick in the grass. Deacon came up next to me and held my hair and I proceeded to get sick at least four more rounds. Not only was it the worst throwing up experience I've ever had (it seemed like it was never going to end) but it was the first time I had ever gotten sick in public. People were passing by, staring at me, slowing down and then speeding up. Nobody stopped to see if I was okay.

I was absolutely humiliated.

Deacon drove me home and while laying in bed, I started to get a fever. I had absolutely no strength to me whatsoever. I hadn't eaten anything besides those wings (and still haven't) and couldn't even stand thinking about eating again. Deacon, bless him, went and got me fluids and took my temperature and made sure I was okay. At first, we started to study for a big Biology test we had today, but then I realized I didn't have the strength for it.

After he went home, I got sick two more times--around 11:40 PM and then at 4:30 AM. I emailed my teachers to tell them I wouldn't make it. I have broken blood vessels around my eyes from heaving; I am sore from having to throw up so many times; I am so unbelievably weak.

This whole experience has been so humiliating, so embarrassing. I usually never get sick, and Deacon has never seen me in such a state. It has been truly awful.

I'm starting to feel a little better now, but please pray for me.


P.S. I also got lost today, so I get to mark that off of my Bucket List.

Tuesday, February 14, 2012

V-Day and etc.

This will be a little lengthy post. I think I have a lot to say. Catch up, bad poetry, the works. Thus, my main points shall be with bullets.
  • Deacon and I went to see The Vow on Saturday afternoon. Report: it was pretty good, but not as happy as I thought it would be. I would explain further, but I know some of you haven't yet seen it and I don't want to give anything away! It also would have been a lot better if we had not been sitting directly behind a Channing Tatum preteen fanclub that kept screaming out comments in the middle of silent scenes.
  • Today (technically, yesterday) is my sister Karlee's birthday. She is twenty-three. Congratulations, big sister!
  • Today (technically, today) is Valentine's day. I have the best valentine. I write him really cheesy poems because I am his first valentine and want him to experience the cheesiness of the holiday. I will share some of these later.
  • It is snowing and I am drinking hot chocolate.
  • My first class is cancelled for tomorrow, but I still have to go to my second, which happens to be my least favorite class. Sometimes life isn't fair.
  • Deacon cannot fathom that Channing Tatum's real name is, in fact, Channing Tatum.
  • For my sister's birthday, we had the four of us + Deacon over, sat down at the dinner table and ate steak, and then played Trivial Pursuit. Karlee and Dad teamed up and beat Deacon and I, but it was a pretty close game. It was a great night. =)
  • Bad poetry time!

(sent to Deacon about an hour ago, written completely on the spot):

Love of mine, love of mine,
whilst thou be my Valentine?
Oh what joys and grace of thine
and paradise within heaven divine,
if thou should be my Valentine.

-(he says yes)-

Be still my soul, he doth agree!
Despair and grief, depart from me!
For he, this day, says he will be
the companion of his dear Emily!


(and this was written yesterday (technically, Sunday) before church started):

And I remember being there--
how is it words could be so silent
          but still say so much?
You took my hand--foreign, then--
          and with the other, navigated through the night.
And I remember having weight upon me--
pressure forcing in from all directions
as though I was wasted aluminum
          aimed at a trashcan.
But you unraveled my foiled heart
          with your foreign hand.
And you were always there,
and there, you will remain.


That's all for now! I must get back to my homework, since it's still due tomorrow. Sigh.


Monday, February 13, 2012


My first opposite friend had
green eyes; bright eyes; eyes to see
and shine against the daily, dull,
common attitudes attached to common people.
Understanding eyes, like gentle speech
                wrapped like blankets around cold-bitten cries.
Though he could be silent,
                offer a game,
                and convince me I won by my own strength.
Leap-frog checkers—one jump, then two;
                planting his pieces—spaced just right
                to allow me to rise again and again.
He picked me up
                by laying down—
    Sacrifice for confidence.
With his light-filled eyes full of
                reflection towards me,
                he kept me in check—kept me close
                and built my bridge by his

Daily Words: Week 6

Day thirty-six! The word is...
an instrument with a meshed or perforated bottom, used for separating coarse from fine parts of loose matter, for straining liquids, etc.
a person who cannot keep a secret.

Found: while reading Fahrenheit 451


Day thirty-seven. I feel like I've done this one before, but I don't think I actually have. I have looked it up before, but it didn't stick.
The word is....

[in-sid-ee-uh' s]
operating or proceeding in an inconspicuous or seemingly harmless way but actually with grave effect

Found: while reading Fahrenheit 451, among other places.
Like the movie, which I've heard about but never seen.


Day thirty-eight. The word is...
being both male or female; hermaphroditic
neither clearly masculine nor clearly feminine in appearance

Found: while reading an article online.


Day Thirty-Nine!
[ek-yoo-men-i-kuhl ]
general; universal
promoting or fostering Christian unity throughout the world

Found: while reading an essay for Creative Nonfiction.


Day Forty
And I just realized that you don't spell 40 like "fourty."
I never knew this.
ANYWAY! The word is....
deserving or causing hatred--highly offensive

Found: in the movie One Day


I'm switching to numbers now. 
Day 41. The word is....

a characteristic, habit, mannerism, or the like, that is peculiar to an individual

Found: said by my Poetry teacher, Mr. Jaycox, in class today.


Day 42. =)
The word is...

[ih-neyt, in-eyt]
existing in one from birth; native

Found: while watching The Day After Tomorrow.



Wednesday, February 8, 2012

Simplicity = Sacrifice

I should be writing a paper, or studying for my lab practical tomorrow, but I remember having something to say and wanting to write it down. But I was thinking about that while in the shower, which is the least opportune time to write something down. I think it had to do with sacrifices.

Remember my post the other day about simplicity? I'm coming to terms with the fact that if I want to reach simplicity, I have to embrace sacrifice.

Today I decided that I cannot go to prom with Deacon this year because I just don't have the money for it. I know I have a job, but things are really tight. I feel incredibly bad about the decision--I got to go to both of my high school proms, and even though he went last year as Jenna's date, I still want him to experience his own prom. I've been stressing out over everything lately, and saving up for prom just added to it. So in order to eliminate the stress and problems that going to prom created, I decided it would be best for me to not go.

Deacon was so understanding about the whole thing. I truly couldn't ask for someone that fits me better than he does, nor do I want to.

I just have to be able to accept that no matter how hard I try, there is only so much I can do. I can't make everyone happy 100% of the time and still have my sanity.

I've been trying to pray a lot more lately, and it actually really helps. Seeking Jesus during times of trouble, and even during times of joy, and all the times in between, keeps me calm and happy and on track. He gives me a purpose. He gives me support. He comforts me and holds my hand.

Also, I've decided to start making a list of things to remember whenever I have children. (Which is wayy off in the future, let me assure you!) I feel like I have a lot of opinions and ideas now that I want to remember then, and I need to start writing it all down.

This, I think, will be a job for my handy-dandy red Moleskine notebook that I keep on my person at all times.

Time to go write that paper!
Wish me luck.


Why Not?

I have no hope.
None to save me;
spare my lingering soul--
if there be one, that is--
or reason to thrive.
Why survive if consisting of
constant turmoil--constant regurgitation
of trouble and trouble, false hope, then trouble?
It's all a gamble, after all, they say--
why not force my hand, string myself up,
adapt to the environment, leap of faith,
and end it all while all is young?
One minute laughing, the next minute seizing;
I smile when required, I weep when required;
I stand and work and speak when required,
but now it's expected, because as a number
I will die of my own accord.

Eighteen years old, she said, just came
from her funeral. He was dressed in black.
You should have seen his poor, young face.
I've been to the funeral. I've seen the face.
I don't want to hear about this, no no no.
I want to escape going back to that moment.
But the moment goes on--consistent with time.
I cannot read or watch or think without
a mention of a suicide.
Why not? it says. So many already
have conjured up courage to taste the solution.
Why not?--Indeed. Statistically,
if I have no hope, well then I'm better off
ending it while I'm still a young face.


Please note that this is in a sarcastic tone, not a cry for help, and a reflection on how I think society views suicide and is becoming more and more willing to accept it, especially among teenagers.

Just something to think about.


Monday, February 6, 2012

Where I Live

In my Creative Nonfiction class, we recently read two excerpts by Nora Ephron from her book, I Feel Bad About My Neck. Our assignment was to choose one and mimic her style. I chose "Where I Live."

I kind of liked it, so I thought I would add it to my blog. =)

Where I Live

1. I live in my town. It has its ups and downs—literally, there are hills everywhere. I also live in the next town over, which is three blocks away. It has a lot of hills too. There really isn’t much difference between the two, except that if my house was three blocks away I would have gone to a different school. I probably still would have lived on a hill, though.

2. I live in classrooms. I have done this since the ripe age of five and I have not stopped since. My favorite classrooms are the ones with windows. If they don’t have windows, I start to feel like I’m suffocating and have to take my mind off of the words the teacher is filling the room with. I am an auditory learner, but it works best if I’m focusing on something random while listening to the lecture. Without windows, I’m forced to pay attention to the teacher, who probably thinks I’m finally learning something when all the while I’m just trying to breathe through his words. 

3. I live at Little Caesars. I got the job because my sister works there, too, and my dad told my boss, Ron, he could hire me when I turned sixteen. That was three years ago. I’m a manager now. My sister is, too. I’m faster than her at making pizzas and she’s faster than me at cutting them when they come out of the oven. Some people would say it’s a blessing that we get to work together, some people might call us a team, but all I know is that I’m Ron’s favorite.

4. I live in my room. It’s about the size of a celebrity’s walk-in closet. It has all of my essentials: books, movies, desktop, laptop, space heater, stereo, pictures, candles, clothes, and shoes. I tapped into my inner artist while decorating the walls. My mom painted them this horrible puke green color when it was turned into her office during the brief year that I decided to live in the basement. After encountering too many spiders, I decided to relocate back upstairs. I didn’t want to repaint the room after all the work my mom put in to change it the nasty color, so I covered it in memories instead. Every time I get a postcard, or an important document, ticket stub, etc., it goes to my wall. My mom’s office was relocated to the basement. She never goes down there—I guess the spiders are still thriving.

5. I live in my bed. This is where you will most likely find me. I like to sleep under five layers of blankets. This is because my room gets cold and the space heater does not help much. I like to sleep an average of seven hours a night, which is hard to do with school, work, and then homework. To make up for lost sleep, I successfully squeeze in a nap every day, ranging from a half hour to four hours. I even have a purple Hello Kitty alarm clock that I’ve had since I was ten. It was a gift from my mom—a much better decision than the puke green walls. This makes me an all-around happier person. I guess my nap time could be spent doing my homework instead, but then I wouldn’t get to use my purple Hello Kitty alarm clock. In fact, I think I might go cuddle under my blankets shortly. It’s pretty chilly in here, after all.


Sunday, February 5, 2012

Daily Words: Week 5

So, since it was getting so hectic of putting my words at the bottom of my inconsistent posts (plus I thought it looked sloppy), I decided to just group them together in posts according to the week. This shall begin with the word for Monday of Week 5.


Day Thirty! (Only 336 more? Whew!)
Our word is...

[in-kawr-i-juh-buh' l, -kor-]
bad beyond correction or reform

Found: while reading an essay for Creative Nonfiction, among other places.


Day Thirty-One. Last day of January.
The word is...

[dih-sij-oo-uh' s]
shedding the leaves annually, as certain trees or shrubs
not permanent; transitory

Found: while watching "Planet Earth" on Animal Planet.
(Today was my first time watching it, and it was really interesting. Deacon and I watched it for several hours.)


Day Thirty-Two. February Begins.
The word is....

[juhk-stuh-puh-zish-uh' n]
an act or instance of placing close together or side by side, especially for comparison or contrast.

Found: in my Poetry class, while discussing how the Black Eye Peas use "USA, CIA, KKK" consecutively in their song "Where is the Love?" 


Day Thirty-Three. The word is....

Repetition of a word, phrase, or clause at the beginning of word groups occurring one after the other

Found: discussed in my American Literature class

Day Thirty-Four!
The word is...

[am-big-yoo-uh' s]
open to or having several possible meanings or interpretations

Found: pretty much everywhere. I've heard it a thousand times, but never really looked up its meaning.

It's Saturday, Day Thirty-Five.
The word is...

any hairy plant belonging to the genus Heliotropium,  of the borage family
any plant that turns towards the sun
a light tint of purple; reddish lavender

Found: in the Pixar short "Boundin'"


Or Heliotrope!

The bunny pictures have arrived. I hope you're all ready for the insane level of adorableness that you are about to witness.


Marco, the bunny that Deacon has claimed since his birth.

My all time favorite, ever. 
I'm entering the above photo's in this week's Shoot. Edit. Submit. =)

Kevin is kind of protective over the bunnies. It's so cute.

Does anyone think of Pixar's short "Boundin'" when they look at this?
Because I do.

Alright, this might be my favorite ever.
The two cutest boys you'll ever see.

And though Marco is Deacon's bunny, this one is his papa, Galileo.
Marco saved all his good pictures for me, I guess. 

Spyder and Deacon.
By the way! We learned Spyder is a boy, not a girl.


Then & Now

Just in case you didn't get your fill of cuteness,
I put together a collage of Marco and Galileo.

And two more pictures without bunnies, because I thought they were worth mentioning.

He won't like that I posted this, because he's not wearing formal clothes and it's "Formal February."
I mean, he changed just for the duration of bunny time. But still, it's breaking tradition.


And one of me, because I think it's important to post them sometimes.

My hair is getting shaggy (I haven't dyed or cut it since before Thanksgiving) and I have absolutely no makeup on, but this is what I generally look like.

Except for when I'm working, then I have on orange, hat, and ponytail.

Hope you enjoyed the pictures. =)


Saturday, February 4, 2012


I'm searching for simplicity
in a world that craves complexity.


Lately, I've really been pondering the idea of simplicity.

In Poetry and The Human Experience (I never really say the whole title, but I thought y'all should know the full name of the class) today, my teacher got on this big rant today after we read Whitman's "I Hear America Singing." I've never cared much for the poem, and apparently neither does Mr. Jaycox, but he just went off talking about how America was so much better in 1860 when things were so much simpler. At first, I wasn't agreeing with a lot of what he said. But then he started talking about how Americans are always craving more, when the answer is really less.

For example, if one has a medical problem, these days we just add on one more pill, instead of cutting out less of what caused the problem in the first place.

If one is experiencing stress, they'll take more medication, when they really should just cut things out of their schedule and do less.

And so on and so forth.

It really got me thinking.


Just something to think about.
Like when times are silent--
when my surroundings hush--
Like I have a separate section stored
          within the depths of my brain
          dedicated to random things worthy of thought.
I'll ponder them--not put them off--
I'll encounter conclusion eventually,
but not due to layaway. Instead deliberation
and careful examination of all perspectives.

I am not afraid of thought.



Friday, February 3, 2012

Cute Cat Pictures, if nothing else

Note: this website is my friend.


I'll have truth.
Solution: Found.
People here are free. Are free.
And facing inferiority.
They'll criticize--look at them--
and want to live like nomads,
but they don't. They stay--they're free.

I was wide awake today and the weather was sooo nice (upper 60s!) that I decided to get all of the rabbits out to stretch their legs. I even gave Marco a bath. and cleaned half of the cages. =)

Unfortunately, bunny pictures are not done yet. BUT! I do have a very, very cute collage of our kitty friend, Kevin.


I did my homework tonight, too!
Alright, well, I do have a test in American Political Systems tomorrow that I failed to study for. But in my defense, I was there for the review day, it's open test and open notes, and I have a free hour tomorrow before class.

Anyway, off to bed. Lovies!