Sunday, April 27, 2014

an ungraceful rant because it's the weekend before finals.


IMG_5154-quote

It's that time of year when people keep asking the same questions that you quickly grow tired of hearing. That's not to say they're bad people. They're not. And a lot of them are not bad questions. Some are.

This probably isn't a problem for most people. But for me, it's horrifying.
There's a few things you have to get if you have any hope of truly understanding me. They're not new developments, not something I've gradually grown into. They're part of my nature. They're not optional.
  1. I am an introvert.
  2. I hate change.
IMG_5143

With the first in mind, it's easy to see why I'm stressed out with people consistently coming up to me and asking me questions. Being social stresses me out. I'm incredibly awkward and I never know what to say and even if we're friends, my pulse will always start racing whenever any kind of attention is drawn to me.

Now that we've got that down, let's take a look at the common questions:

A) Are you excited for graduation?
--No, I hate graduations. Because I hate change. I cannot stand transitions. They scare me to death and make me nostalgic and overall are not a pleasant experience for me. Yes, I'm excited to get away from Hannibal and into the arms of my sweet fiance. Up until this point, this school has seemed like a prison. I haven't had much contact with other people and I've rarely left campus. In fact, I've rarely left my room. But this past year, and especially this last semester, has been different. I've finally become comfortable here. I've made several friends. I'm starting to feel like this is my school and loving everything around me. I've grown to enjoy it here, like it's a piece of home.
     But I'm a transfer student, meaning my short time on this campus is complete. In a few months, I'm moving to a all-new town to attend an all-new school. And so the cycle repeats.
     (Luckily I'll be there a bit longer and with my darling husband-to-be, so it won't be so bad.)

B) Do you have most of your wedding planning done?
--I realize that people do not intend to be malicious when they ask me this. Generally, people ask about events that they know are happening in your life, and since I'm not much of an open person, that means they really only know about me graduating and me getting married. And thus, the endless questions about the wedding come.
     Some days, this question is fine. Because my wedding excites me and there's a lot I can rant about. But most of the time, this question is the most stressful and awful thing you could ever say to me. Not only am I a graduating senior struggling to get all my coursework done, fees and paperwork finalized, grades approved, classes signed up, etc., but I'm also trying to plan a wedding with a fiance also in school 3-hours a way and both of our families in a completely different town.
     Of course I don't have my wedding planning done. Thanks for the reminder.

C) Where are you going to get your Master's?
--I totally understand this one, I do. You'll probably never see me again so at least you're asking where I'm continuing my life. And since I've already signed up for classes and everything, there's no risk of the question causing me any stress. 
     The problem is a lot of people ask me this. And this one question inevitably leads to me having to tell them about my major, Deacon's major, where the town is, what my career goals are, where we'll be living, etc. That's a whole lot of talking for me, especially since I have to repeat it so often. And really, most people truly aren't interested in the answers. They've probably never heard of the town or school, so their eyes noticeably dim after the first answer. The rest are just formalities.
     Is it fair for me to say that? Probably not. Because a lot of people really do care. Maybe I'm just making a big fuss out of nothing. Maybe I'm judging way too harshly.

I probably am judging too harshly. The truth is that I really do love and appreciate everyone who asks me these questions. It's just that answering them makes me uncomfortable. Speaking in general makes me uncomfortable.

~~~

And now, since I'm on a rant, I might as well finish it off with a list of more things to rant about:
  • I found out today that wedding insurance exists. I've never been more appalled with humanity.
    • That's a bit of an exaggeration. But still, who needs wedding insurance? 
    • "Oh, it's raining--guess we can't get married today."
  • I think American society pays too much attention to weddings and not enough to marriage.
    • I don't care what my flowers look like. I care about marrying the love of my life and being the best wife I can be for him.
    • A perfect wedding does not equal a perfect marriage.
    • If you have the money to spend lavishly on a dream wedding, fine. But we don't, and we're fine with that, so you should also be fine with that. There's too much pressure on throwing the most extravagant wedding ever. It makes me sick. The expectations are unreasonably high. 
    • Why can't we all just go, get married, have some cake, and be on our merry way? Like a birthday party, except with vows and commitment and stuff.
    • I never want to have another wedding again.
  • My computer just crashed. And I have a headache.
  • Fun fact: I almost never get headaches. The one I have now is more like dizziness from the caffeine I've just ingested. Generally, I only get real headaches when I'm overexposed to loud, talkative people.
  • I often forget that I have awkward, grotesque double-jointed arms that naturally curve in weird directions. This often ruins photographs, like the one above.
  • I spent the day reading the first 200 pages of The Hunger Games.
    • I only set out to read the first few chapters to refresh myself for my book review, but I couldn't put it down. I haven't been able to read an enjoyable book in a very, very long time. 
    • You might think: But Emily, you're an English major. You must read all the time!
    • Answer: Exactly. I read all the time. Required reading. 
    • I tend to not like classic literature. But with 6 upper-level English electives, I don't have time to read anything for leisure.
    • So I took a little time today to kick back and dive into the arena with Katniss. Because it's the Saturday before finals and I do what I want.
  • Also, I'm an uncommonly slow reader. It's an ongoing problem with me and my major. I had hoped I would overcome it with more experience with reading, but nope. I still read at the pace of a 5th-grader.
  • I love this font, but I hate how it looks italicized. And I tend to want to put everything in italics. So when that happens, I have to take it to Word and change the font to Constantia, which is similar, but looks exponentially better italicized.
  • Sonnets are hard to write. And I have to have 6 of them done by Tuesday. Along with those book reviews.
  • This is going to sound selfish, I realize. And I probably won't be able to say it right, which will only make it worse. But here's the deal: members of my family have been complaining about my graduation. Because it's at 10:00 in the morning. Now, I realize that this is an inconvenient time when you live 3 hours away and can't get off the night before. I realize this means you will be waking up at 6 AM on a Saturday. My condolences. 
    • But it's kind of a slap to the face. 
    • I'm sorry to inconvenience you with my college graduation?
I know this post has been harsh and largely unfair. I'm sorry for that. Mostly, I just needed to get some things out.

--Emily
currently listening to: The Greatest Change by Jeremy Zuckerman
(The Legend of Korra Book One Soundtrack)