Saturday, May 24, 2014

a consuming fire.

Therefore let us be grateful for receiving a kingdom that cannot be shaken, and thus let us offer to God acceptable worship, with reverence and awe, for our God is a consuming fire.
- Hebrews 12:28-29


We stayed up late last night to watch a meteor shower. The skies were empty, though, but that was okay. We enjoyed the darkness and fire and woodland sounds as we circled are lawn chairs around the old, stone fire pit in our backyard.

I didn't realize that something so simple could heal wounds.
I didn't realize that life is out there, still.


Friday, May 16, 2014

Story Excerpt: Sash's Departure

I've been reading back through the novel I wrote for NaNoWriMo, trying to iron out inconsistencies and remember where I was so I can maybe start writing the rest of it. I'm realizing how awful one writes when forced to get so many words in so short of a time span, but even so, I love the story that has been created. 
Sash is my favorite character, which is why I hated to write this scene. But I read it again today and thought I'd share it, even though I know the writing is bland and definitely not where it should be.
There are a lot of characters mentioned in this one scene, so if you're confused, refer to the descriptions here.

“You want us to jump out of a thirty-story window?”
“And penetrate the forcefield. Simple, really.”
Rae wanted to push Maeron out of the window and show him how simple it really was.
“I’ll go first,” Mylan said, stepping up.
“No, I’ll go first,” Rae said, pushing him aside.
Mylan would not have it. Taking a quick running start, he leapt from the window and soared into the air towards the amber forcefield; Zevi also took off and followed after him. As soon as Mylan’s fingers touched the outer rim, the two of them disappeared completely.
Rae gulped. “Right…okay. My turn.”
“Ah, ah, ah,” Maeron said, shaking his finger at her. “I’m afraid I cannot allow you to pass, dear Eraelyn.”
She imagined his scream as his body soared from the window.
“I said enough games. Let me through.”
“You are not allowed to pass, Eraelyn,” Maeron said sternly.
“I just saw Mylan—”
“No, you do not understand. You are not allowed to pass.”
Silence settled over them.
“She did everything you asked her to do,” said Sash, his eyes growing angry. “You have to let her go.”
“Ah, but she did not accomplish everything,” said Maeron. Rae rolled her eyes, but he continued. “I believe that Amaya gave you some instructions before you came here, am I correct?”
Rae’s face fell. “She said something about inner battles.”
“Mmm,” said Maeron.
“But we did that—we went through our memories! I fought through them!” she shouted hysterically.
The edges of Maeron’s lips turned up, though he tried his best to suppress his smile. “Yes, it seems you did fight them, my dear. And it seems that the triumph was theirs.”
Her jaw dropped in disbelief.
“You must let her pass.”
“I must do nothing,” Maeron cried angrily. “Let me remind you that I am the guardian of this sea and you are standing in my tower. The only power here belongs to me.”
“She’ll die if she stays here!”
Sash wanted to wring his neck, but Rae grabbed his hand. “Don’t provoke him, Sash. It’s okay, really. You go and find Mylan and get back to the village. It’s okay.”
He shook his head. “We’ve come this far.”
“And you did all you could. That’s enough.”
“No,” he repeated, raising his head towards Maeron. “Let her go and keep me here instead.”
“Lock me up in that cell if you have to,” Sash continued, ignoring Rae’s outburst. “Do whatever you want, but let her go.”
Maeron considered it, then nodded. Two streams of water floated from his hands and wrapped around Sash’s wrists. Rae tried to break through them, but the water reattached with ease and began to turn solid.
“Stop this!” she pled. “Sash—you can’t do this.”
He grabbed her shoulder to steady her. His voice was calm. “I can’t not do this, Choppy.”
A slight smile emerged on her face, but she could not leave him. “But we need you…”
“All you need is Mylan. He’s been more help than anyone else during this whole thing. Besides…I’m not really much help with medical stuff anyway. I can’t fight. I’m pretty useless, as travel companions go. But this is something I can do, and it’s what I’m going to do.”
“You’re not useless,” she said, hugging him. “You’re the one who has kept me sane.”
He thought of something then. She started to pull away from the hug, but he held her there.
“Listen, Eraelyn,” he whispered in her ear, “I know you didn’t fall from that mountain.”
She heard herself gasp and tried to pull away again, but he held onto her.
“If something triggers you in the woods like when you attacked Channery, there will be no one there to pull you off Mylan. So be careful. And get to Avarielle as fast as possible.”
He loosened his grip and she looked up at him. She had never seen him so serious.
“Thank you, Sash. For everything.”
She did not look at Maeron again. She put the scepter by Zohar’s bow on her back and dived out of the window.


“You—idiot!” Rae screamed into Mylan’s face, punching his shoulder. “It should have been you! Why did you just leave us there?”
“I had to make sure—”
“Sash was stranded there with Maeron because of you. He took my place!”
“I don’t see how that is my fault—”
“How could you have just left?”
He realized that fighting was useless; no matter what he said, Rae would argue against it. He stepped aside and leaned against a tree. Rae sunk to her knees next to Zevi.
They were in the outer edge of Ayla’s forest. The trees were much different from those in the wood surrounding Lux; instead of the short, spider-like trees with tangles of branches, they were tall and slender. Some of them stretched so high that Rae could not see the tops of them.
She hugged Zevi to her tightly.
She did not know what to do without Sash there. The silence was maddening; there was no one to joke with or prevent from tripping. No one to take her mind off of everything else.
There was only Mylan.
“I’m sorry about Sash,” he said after a while. “We’ll go back and get him on our way back.”
“We shouldn’t have to,” she said, standing up. She gathered her bags and strode past Mylan.
She did not know where she was going, but she pretended to. Mylan followed her silently and pulled a map out of his pocket. They walked for about an hour and Mylan noticed that Rae had a hard time traveling in a straight line, though she did not seem to notice. She also did not like for him to follow too close behind her, so he kept a good distance away. The slow pace was too cumbersome for Zevi, so he took the air and swirled around their heads, enjoying the freedom again.
Her coughing had grown worse. Almost every breath was accompanied with hacking and gagging. One particular fit struck her when they had snaked a good ways into the forest. It was so strong that Rae abruptly halted and bent over, covering her mouth. Her body was shaking and Mylan thought for a moment that she was going to be sick.
He had continued walking up to her and slid his hand on her back, though her coughing had ceased. He crouched down closer and saw that her eyes were tightly closed and her cheeks flushed. Tears were streaked down her cheeks.
She fought for air, but her breaths would not come evenly.
Mylan was at a loss for what to do. He stood there awkwardly with his hand on her back, waiting for it to pass.
“You don’t know,” she hiccuped.
He leaned his head in closer. “Excuse me?”

“You don’t know we’ll be able to get him on our way back.”

currently listening to: Demons performed by Boyce Avenue feat. Jennel Garcia

Wednesday, May 14, 2014

a letter to the man who holds a thousand days.


To Deacon,

--I did not write you a letter on your birthday this year like I've done every year since 2011. This was partly because I actually got to spend the day with you this year, since it fell on Easter Break. I was going to write one that night, but I didn't. I didn't know what to say.

--A few days later, I realized that we will have almost been together three years by our wedding date. And that's when I wondered when our 1000 day mark was. I did some calculation and I found out that it fell on today. May 14th, 2014. So I decided to wait and do your letter today.

--(Also, I can't get this song out of my head because of it. I know days and years are two separate things, but I guess since we've made it this far, a thousand years is our next goal.)

--I hope you don't mind and I hope you know I did not forget about you. I could never forget about you.

--(Sidenote: I actually did write you a letter on your birthday, but I gave it to you instead of making it a blog post.)

--So, you're 20 now. For exactly a month, we are both 20. And in 4 days, I'll be a cougar again. =)
This, I do not mind. Because you are much more mature than me; you know much more than me, you are the one who can fix anything. You're the one that takes care of me, not the other way around.

--You've been taking care of me since I was 17. Since then, I think my soul has molded to yours.
I wouldn't be who I am without you helping me, fixing me. Going on long car rides while we listened to music and you held my hand. Stopping by McDonalds late the night before I graduated college because you know it was my Friday tradition. And you sat there beside me, in the least romantic of dining areas, and listened to every word I said, understood every word I said. No one else would have understood everything I was feeling at the moment, but you did.

You made that square table behind the trashcans the most romantic and comfortable place in the world.

--You and I have not gotten the chance to talk to each other much in recent weeks due to the raging realm of finals. I hate it. But you come home tonight and we get married exactly two months from Sunday. We will never have to be apart for so long again.

--Even so, I find joy in the little moments we're able to share with each other, like when you call me all excited because you saw a baby bunny on campus. You are the sweetest person I know; you have such a pure, wonderful heart. You make me take notice of all the little joys around me, too.

--I'm so excited to see you tonight. We have a l...

You just called me and stopped mid-sentence to tell me about a bunny you saw. You said, and I quote, "This bunny looks a little older. An aged hare."

I love you so much.

--And now, a few photos from the past few months:

Thank you for always, always being there for me.

Love you and see you soon,

Monday, May 12, 2014

Wherever I was supposed to be.


I can't think; I can't think with you;
I can't keep trying to get back to you.

At twenty I tried to die 
and get back, back, back to you.

How has my body grown, but not my heart?
Why is time still my enemy?

It gives me enough to stay alive.
a nibble here; a nibble there,
but never enough.

No, it's never enough.


Sunday, May 11, 2014

The day my cat and I were one.

This is Willow, otherwise known as Princess Kittenpants.

Sometimes, we're just like, "Hey, yo" as she sits alongside the window above my bed.

And then sometimes, we are one.


in that I am too short.

I had a meeting with alterations today for my wedding dress.
This was because I wanted to get the train bustled.

Now, I had not tried on the dress since we had ordered it, but I knew it was quite long on me. So I brought the tallest heels I own, because I wanted to avoid getting it hemmed. Because the hemming costs like $140 or something ridiculous, and I'd rather wear tall and uncomfortable shoes for a fraction of that cost.

Except my shoes were still not tall enough. Because for some reason that God has yet to reveal to me, I am short. Which wouldn't be a big deal, except look at the rest of my family.

They tried putting me in a poofier (I'm making that a word because it's almost my birthday and I do what I want) slip, but to no avail. The two very nice women in alterations wanted to put me in another poofy slip, but they were all out in the store. So we had to order one, which won't come in until June 9th. And I can't have any work done on my dress until we know what the hem is going to be like.

So we left the store with my dress having undergone no work at all. I had to reschedule my appointment for the end of June.
My wedding is July 18th.

I'm not mad, though. Everyone in the store was very friendly and helpful. I'm just frustrated. Mostly at my younger self for not stretching and taking vitamins.

On a lighter note, I just found this photo of me and Deacon from our mess of engagement photos and I have no idea what I'm doing but I laugh every time I look at it:

I might have been trying to dance, which is never a good idea.

By the way, I graduated. I have a few photos for sometime later. That is all.
currently listening to: Goodbye by Secondhand Serenade

Friday, May 2, 2014

That time I wrote six terrible sonnets.

This was my Shakespeare final project.
I decided to write six Shakespearean sonnets (iambic pentameter and all) from the perspectives of various characters from the plays we read during the semester, which includes Julius Caesar, The Merchant of Venice, Much Ado About Nothing, Macbeth, and Hamlet.

I did it because I thought it would be easy. It wasn't.

They're not very good at all. I'm only posting them because they took me forever to write and I find them a bit funny.

Of all the men that might have been our king
they chose a snake—a snake to poison Rome.
A viper, viper—Caesar’s chant will ring
throughout our streets—a battle for our home,

a funeral march to consecrate the land,
a warning tune to keep ye children safe,
a desperate cry for Rome to take a stand
against the snake, lest we become his slaves.

Sir Brutus is as close as one may be,
and to our cause will be his signature.
I’ll lure his heart with discreet flattery
and trick his eyes to love the sinister.

Sir Brutus acts with great sincerity,
so we must trick him for our victory.

My friend, my king—a Roman knight so brave
I could not see his faults. My eyes were blind
to tyranny. He must be stopped to save
dear Rome. My Caesar, death has been assigned

to thee. I see the truth behind the mask
upon your face. You cannot hide from me,
my friend. I’ve been assigned a noble task:
to slay thee, friend—to stab the heart of thee.

We’ll bathe our hands within your crimson blood,
we’ll show the land how true our honor shines,
proclaim to all that this is how it’s done:
the love of Rome shall mean you draw no lines.

For I loved him; he’s all I did live for.
But I serve Rome. Dear Rome, I love you more.

The people need a decent, guiding hand
to lead them on, protect, and serve them well.
I am the one to rule this noble land,
this city where my friends and people dwell.

Beware the Ides of March, a warning rings,
as though a month could bring my mortal fate.
My wife is, too, concerned with what March brings,
but I trudge on to lead this noble state.

My friends have come, but with a downcast eye.
They gather ‘round, as if an angry mob.
I do not see the stinging dagger fly,
but feel the bite, the poison; then, I sob

for Brutus sees; he slowly comes to view,
then stabs my heart. Oh Brutus—even you?

the women:
I’m Portia, heir to land and majesty,
but selfish men are all that seek my hand.
My tongue is sharp; I’m good for tragedy,
to speak, though, I must dress up like a man.

I’m Beatrice, and love can leave me be.
I’ve never found it worth to say, “I do,”
for men are wicked, worthless, and to free
myself, I’ve learned to turn and say, “Adieu.”

I think my name was once Ophelia,
where Denmark kings were shuffled to the throne,
but I’ve lost all memorabilia,
except these flowers and my river stones.

we women sing without our voices heard;
we live in plays where men are more preferred.

Macbeth and Lady Macbeth:
the blood, the blood—we’ll spill the crimson blood
of Duncan, King, and take his throne and crown.
We’ll build our kingdom on that ruby flood;
we’ll throw all traitors in the red to drown.

My wife will guide me to my victory;
her moves are bolder than myself can be.
But I will also inflict injury,
for I can be as ruthless as is she.

My husband knows not how to rise above,
so I will teach him not to fear the knife.
I will not be his servant tied by love;
I’ll be his queen instead of simply wife.

Through blood, by blood, we’ll climb to king and queen,
we’ll rule the land like no one else has seen.

I cannot—will not—shall I live to be
a son and nephew to a murderer?
he killed my father, then, to torment me,
stole my mother like a burglar.

My father’s ghost has beckoned at my sword
to rise against this place where murder dwells.
I am to seek revenge upon my lord,
and save my father’s ghost from heat and hell.

I shall disguise my wit with insane acts
and kill him when the rightful moment strikes.
The rest of Denmark does not know the facts;
they will not favor my revengeful strike.

But I am bound by word and dignity,
though after this, I’ll live in infamy.


Thursday, May 1, 2014



So May is my favorite month. Mostly because it's the month that I entered the world, but also because it has always been the start of summer. And really, I typically hate summer, transitions, and saying goodbye to all my friends. But in that first day, there's the overwhelming joy that you and all your classmates feel as you exit the classroom for the last time. You feel that comradery--that you have been through the year together and it's finally over.

A few things that this month has in store for me:
  • Graduation. In three(ish) days.
  • My 21st birthday on the 18th.
  • My best friend's birthday on the 22nd.
  • The GRE test. (yuck!)
  • A friend's wedding.
  • Lots of reading, working, and wedding planning.
It's my last summer of living at home. That's so crazy to think about, and it's really bittersweet. I'm ready to get out, but I love being home. I know it's cheesy to say that it'll always be my home, but that's true. My heart was carved out of that place.

Also, an only semi-serious complaint: I think graduation is being overshadowed by my birthday and my birthday is being overshadowed by my wedding. So where a normal person would get gifts on three separate occasions, I only get one.

I'm getting jipped. =)
(gypped? gipped?)

And I made a playlist on Spotify last night when I was supposed to be studying. My emotions were hitting me pretty hard, so a lot of the songs are kinda sad and whiny. But I make no apologies.

And now, a list of things I did immediately after I finished my undergrad studies:
  • Went to Walmart to buy a present for my Secret Sister and Orbit gum for myself.
  • Changed into comfortable clothes.
  • Wrote a blog post.
  • Surfed the internet, mainly Buzzfeed and Youtube.
  • Ate dinner alone.
  • Read 50 pages of The Hunger Games.
  • Took a four hour nap.
  • Read 50 more pages of The Hunger Games.
  • Ate a bag of popcorn and a bottle of Mt. Dew. I know I'm getting married and supposed to be on a starvation diet, but screw that. This was the most hectic semester of my life and I'll eat what I want.
I haven't even started packing yet. Oops.

Anyway, Happy May 1st!